Quickies part 2

[onetrack]

Now we know where all this inflation has started from!

[nomadpete]

That's about a 30% hit!

 

Now just watch that price rise ripple right to the top.

 

Imagine the impact on the economy when all CEO's, company directors and politicians follow suit and get a 30% wage rise to cope withe this jump in cost of living!

[Marty_d]

6 hours ago, red750 said:

O.....M.....G!!!

 

Bunnings have lifted the price of their sausage sizzle from $2.50 to........$3.50.

 

 

The end is nigh!

Just be grateful they don't have lettuce on them, it'd be $5.

[facthunter]

Better you don't eat "Wonderpack Sausages" anyhow. IF there's anything good in them it's only by accident. Nev

[red750]

Definition of terms in used goods adverts:

 

Rare                             Nobody wanted it when new
One Owner                  Nobody else wanted it
Well Used                    It’s so bad I can’t lie about it
One of a kind              The creator realised their mistake
Good investment        It can’t possibly be worth less
Best offer                    I know I’m asking too much
Selling for a friend     Too embarrassed to admit I owned it
Needs TLC                 Time, Luck, Cash
Great deal                  Only 10% over real cost
Need to sell quickly   My bags are packed, good luck with it            

[Old Koreelah]

19 minutes ago, red750 said:

Definition of terms in used goods adverts:

 

Rare                             Nobody wanted it when new
One Owner                  Nobody else wanted it
Well Used                    It’s so bad I can’t lie about it
One of a kind              The creator realised their mistake
Good investment        It can’t possibly be worth less
Best offer                    I know I’m asking too much
Selling for a friend     Too embarrassed to admit I owned it
Needs TLC                 Time, Luck, Cash
Great deal                  Only 10% over real cost
Need to sell quickly   My bags are packed, good luck with it            

Red that might come in handy: I’m putting my wife’s Moto Guzzi V-50 up for sale and need correct wording for the ad.

[red750]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?' The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?' She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

 

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'did you call for me?' says the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer. 'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

 

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.' The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!!

[ClintonB]

True nudists are a bit like builder’s  whose houses are never finished, mechanic’s  whose cars are never fixed. They are Not the hot ones of your imagination.

 

[onetrack]

It's a sad fact of life, that the ones who like getting their gear off and prancing around nude, are the ones who really should keep their clothes on! - and the ones we'd all love to see nude, never take their clothes off in public!  

[facthunter]

Clothes maketh the Man. Money is a great aphrodisiac.  Nev

[red750]

HILLBILLY DIVORCE
A hillbilly farmer , Billy Bob Kane wanted to get a divorce , paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer
said, 'How can I help you?' Billy Bob said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' 

 

Billy Bob said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'

 

The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

Billy Bob said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'

 

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'

 

Billy Bob the farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'

 

Billy Bob said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'.

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'

 

Billy Bob said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is
your wife a nagger?'

 

Billy Bob said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

[red750]

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

[red750]

A guy opened a strip club called the G-Spot.

 

It had to close.

 

Not many men could find it.

[red750]

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda.

 

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ, distracting the congregation considerably. 

 

The 'very proper' church ladies were appalled. They decided that something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. 

 

One of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem,  and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size. 

 

But she warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. 

 

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."

[red750]

                                  NEVER NAME YOUR DOG SEX

 

One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.

 

He said, “I’d like to have one, too.”

 

Then, I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog.”

 

He replied, “Look man, I don’t care how she looks.”

 

“No no, I’ve had Sex since I was 5!”

 

He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”

 

When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding.

 

When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.

 

After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.

 

She replied, “Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex.”

 

I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.”

 

The clerk said, “Me too!”

 

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”

 

One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.

 

I told him, “I’m looking for Sex!”

 

My case comes up next Tuesday.

 

Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.

 

I said, “Sex has left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.”

 

He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why don’t you go get yourself a dog…”

[red750]

 

Subject: Dot com

 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.  And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. 

 And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

 And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

 And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

 Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.  And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

 To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).

 And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.  And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. 

 And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."  And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." 

 And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. 

 Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

 It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
 That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
 

[nomadpete]

I liketh that

[facthunter]

PC ..Pretty Clever. Nev

[spacesailor]

Yet Another Hierarchical  Offious Orical. 

spacesailor

[red750]

A guy goes through the McDonalds drive-thru. When he get to the window to pay, the cashier is wearing a black burqua, covered head to foot with just a slot for the eyes.

 

A couple of weeks later, he goes through the Hungy Jacks drive-thru. Again, the cashier is wearing a burqua, but this one is soft lilac.

 

He says to the girl, "Pardon me, but didn't you serve me at McDonalds a couple of weeks Ago?"

 

The girl said, "Yes, that's right."

 

The guy siad, "Do you mind if I ask why you changed?"

 

The girl replied, "The burquas are better at Hungry Jacks".

[old man emu]

It seems that the cattle country Alphabet People (the LGBTQIAPK crowd) have a new sport. According to Wikipedia "Open camp drafting' is practised on cattle properties"

[nomadpete]

Can't call it camp drafting any more

That's discriminating against half of your alphabetically identified individuals.

[Old Koreelah]

33 minutes ago, nomadpete said:

Can't call it camp drafting any more

That's discriminating against half of your alphabetically identified individuals.

Camp Drafting is said to be not only Australia’s most widely- played sport, but the only one we invented, yet it never gets a mention in the media. All we ever hear about is American imported horse sports.

[Jerry_Atrick]

I had never heard of campdrafting until today..

 

Have a bit of reading to do: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Campdrafting

 

[nomadpete]

But w e used to say 'You don't have to be as camp as a row of tents to go campdrafting'