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red750 last won the day on November 28

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About red750

  • Birthday 22/10/1944

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  1. Momentary thread drift. Reminds me of a joke by Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. Two men invented the same thing and were arguing over what it should be called. The first man wanted to call it a wheel, the other wanted to call it a blanbanbadastidl. If the guy who invented fire hadn't come along and threatened to set light to them both, they'd still be arguing. Now, back to topic.
  2. red750

    Quickies part 2

    The Satnav by Pam Ayers I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car. A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life. It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife. It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive "It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five". It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake. It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear. And taking this into account, it specifies my gear. I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device. For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught. So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure that I am fed. It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed! Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
  3. red750

    Quickies part 2

    THE ART OF POLITICS A Russian Jew was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel. At the Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked, "What is this?" The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked: Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero." The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection. At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs officer also asked our friend, "What is this?" He replied, "What is this? Wrong question, Sir. You should be asking, 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day." The Israeli customs officer said, "I apologize, Sir, you are cleared to go" Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table. To celebrate his immigration, he invited his friends and relatives to dinner. One of his friends asked, "Who is this?" He replied, "My dear friend, 'Who is this' is a wrong question. You should have asked, What is this? This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any customs duty and tax." MORAL: Politics is when you can tell the same thing in different ways to fool a different audience, to allow you to look good in every way.
  4. O.M.E. That joke is older than I am. It used to be Irish builders labourers.
  5. Just completed my 75th Airliner profile for the Aircraft showcase. That makes 570 profiles all up. (Plus O.M.E's 3 profiles.) While I have tried to intersperse other categories, I have concentrated on airliners because I had a file full of photos on the hard disk to use up. Now I can look at other categories again. Lockdown is now over for me. Victoria is officially COVID FREE!!. 28 consecutive days with no new cases, no deaths, and no known active cases. We just have to keep an eye on anyone coming in from overseas. Quarantine will (should) be a lot stricter this time around. Most restrictions have been lifted, we just have to maintain our vigilance and care - wash hands regularly, social distance, wear a mask in enclosed spaces, and get tested if you show any symptoms. Restaurants, hotels, clubs, cinemas, gym's etc can open, albeit with social distancing restrictions. AND, we were advised this afternoon that the Men's Shed will re-open next week, again with some conditions (yet to be advised). YIPPEEEE!
  6. I've been hearing a hum for years - or is that my tinnitus? Stephen Colbert did his monologue on the monolith. He said the helicopter crew counting the longhorn sheep claimed they flew low enough so they could determine the sex of the sheep. He also said it was made with "man made rivets."
  7. Yahoo News has an item which states someone has claimed they know the identity of the person responsible. Here is part of the article: "After the images of the monolith went viral, an art dealer and gallery owner has come forward claiming it was installed by a minimalist artist named John McCracken, who died nine years ago. David Zwirner, who represented Mr McCracken as an agent, said he is convinced of the object’s origin - though his colleagues aren’t quite as sure. "The gallery is divided on this," Mr Zwirner said in a statement. "I believe this is definitely by John."
  8. red750

    Quickies part 2

    A schoolteacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a “slide-rule” and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction. “Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values”. “They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we’ve determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.” As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.'” When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.” White House aides told reporters they "could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President!"
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