Quickies part 2

[nomadpete]

9 hours ago, red750 said:

It's an old one you put on the back of an envelope to your loved one - Sealed with a loving kiss.

 

The was also a very risque one -  EGYPT? -Ever get your p*ssy tickled?

 

or

 

SMYTH  -  Show me your t*ts honey.

 

Since this seems to be confession time . . ...

 

I confess that a looong time ago I actually WROTE letters. AND on a select few I used write on the back of the envelope........

 

BRWUML

 

 

 

Be Ready Waiting Undressed My Love.

 

Not sure I still know how to hold a pen, let alone write words. And no idea why I would seal an envelope with BRWUML.

[spacesailor]

Were You in the services? .

(  need to give her time to dress after the rent man has left ) LoL.

spacesailor

[red750]

Subject: Jewish Bra 

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He
found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife,
size 34B."

 

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

 

He repeated "A Jewish bra. My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish
bra, and that you would know "what she means."

 

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for
them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or
the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

 

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the
differences?"

 

The saleslady responded "It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the
Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

 

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what does the
Jewish bra do?"

 

"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

[red750]

Hadn't heard of the Jewish bra, but I have heard of the sheepdog bra. Rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

[red750]

Guy orders 20.000 bricks.

"May I ask what your building?" asks the man behind the counter.

"I'm building a barbecue." replies the man.

"That seems like a lot of bricks for a barbecue."

"Not really. I live on the 18th floor.."

[red750]

A lady helps her husband install a new computer. Once it’s completed, she tells him to select a password – a word that he’ll always remember.

 

As the computer asks him to enter his password, he looks at his wife, and with a macho smirk and a wink, he selects the word ‘Mypenis’.

 

As he hits ‘enter’, to validate his selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor hysterical.

 

The computer had replied:

TRY AGAIN. TOO SHORT

[old man emu]

I've pulled teats to get the milk of cows, of goats, of ewes, of mares, so what do I pull to get Milk of Magnesia?

[facthunter]

Pull your head in. It ain't milk. Rocks don't lactate.  Nev

[facthunter]

That is meant humorously. Nev

[old man emu]

7 hours ago, facthunter said:

Rocks don't lactate.

Not can you get blood out of a stone

[facthunter]

That's what my father used to say. Nev

[Marty_d]

11 hours ago, old man emu said:

I've pulled teats to get the milk of cows, of goats, of ewes, of mares, so what do I pull to get Milk of Magnesia?

The bull.

[Cosmick]

My brother played rugby union for a taxation team. On the Guernsey they had two hands twisting a stone and a drop of blood coming out.

Edited August 8, 2022 by Cosmick

[red750]

We are having Himalayan rabbit tonight.

 

I found himalayin on the road.

[ClintonB]

Nothin wrong with a bit of roadkill, some of the best venison I’ve had was fresh roadkill, with no having to go a huntin.

rabbits smell bad if you bust the guts though.

[spacesailor]

Same as ' possums ' but ,the dogs love it, so feed smelly possum to the dog And eat the dog .

spacesailor

[red750]

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine.     

Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

[red750]

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.          

All it was doing was gathering dust!

[red750]

Paddy says to Mick – “I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks – “So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, -“ I'll take her with me!"   

[red750]

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station. 
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"   

[red750]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Here lies the drama of the story.

[red750]

Many years ago I was on a flight that landed in Melboourne and as the plane was taxying to the terminal, the stewardess announced, "Anyone standing before the seatbelt lights go out has to stay and help clean the plane for the next flight."

[red750]

From Adam Hills on The Last Leg:  'Woke' is a word created by people who can't spell "P.C."

 

 

[facthunter]

I haven't woken up to what "woke" means yet. Will that be fatal?  Nev

[onetrack]

Yo gotta have an upbringing in ebonics, to understand where "woke" originates.