Quickies part 2

[red750]

The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

 

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

 

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

 

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

 

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation..

 

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots."

 

The entire congregation said, "Amen.."

 

[Old Koreelah]

[Marty_d]

That's the trouble - when you're already in harness, best to say "neigh" to other fillies...

[red750]

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove
who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
 
 

[octave]

.   

13 minutes ago, red750 said:

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

 

14 minutes ago, red750 said:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

I would be pretty skeptical of this report, it reads like a transcript but I would ask who where and when.    Cosgrove's base?   It would have been many many years since he commanded a base and spent time teaching boy scouts.  It must be at least 30 plus years since he was in that sort of position. 

 

Apart from that -    General Cosgrove Radio Interview Hoax   There are also American versions of this!

 

 

[octave]

.   

 

According to an email sent in by a listener, a female ABC interviewer was shocked to hear that the General proposed to introduce a troupe of boy scouts to the art of rifle-shooting.

Alan Jones: Female interviewer, "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" Cosgrove, "I don't see how. We'll be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a gun." Female interviewer, "But you're equipping them to become violent killers!" General Cosgrove, "Well ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"

— 2GB, Alan Jones Show, 30th April, 2008

 

Well, as Alan Jones says, regardless of how you feel about shooting, you've gotta love that one. Laugh? I could have cried...

But a few minutes later, Alan had to confess that his producer Paul had given him bad news.

Alan Jones: Paul's done some fossicking and tells me it's an urban myth. The interview never took place. I'm told the urban myth started as a joke in Wales in 1997...but it's all a fake. My apologies to General Cosgrove and I might make a suggestion. If you see something like this could you please check it yourself before sending it to me, there's only one of me.

— 2GB, Alan Jones Show, 30th April, 2008

 

https://www.abc.net.au/mediawatch/transcripts/0813_jones2.mp3

[octave]

OK to be fair this is in quickies and perhaps is just meant to be a humorous anecdote however if I were Cosgrove I would be pretty annoyed since many people, including Alan Jone's have a tendency to believe this kind of stuff.

[red750]

Octave, you would never get a job as a journalist. Don't you know their motto  - 

 

"Never let the truth get in the way of a good story."

[octave]

6 minutes ago, red750 said:

Octave, you would never get a job as a journalist.  

 

I will take that as a compliment 😀

Edited June 23, 2021 by octave

[Marty_d]

5 hours ago, octave said:

.   

 

According to an email sent in by a listener, a female ABC interviewer was shocked to hear that the General proposed to introduce a troupe of boy scouts to the art of rifle-shooting.

Alan Jones: Female interviewer, "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" Cosgrove, "I don't see how. We'll be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a gun." Female interviewer, "But you're equipping them to become violent killers!" General Cosgrove, "Well ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"

— 2GB, Alan Jones Show, 30th April, 2008

 

Well, as Alan Jones says, regardless of how you feel about shooting, you've gotta love that one. Laugh? I could have cried...

But a few minutes later, Alan had to confess that his producer Paul had given him bad news.

Alan Jones: Paul's done some fossicking and tells me it's an urban myth. The interview never took place. I'm told the urban myth started as a joke in Wales in 1997...but it's all a fake. My apologies to General Cosgrove and I might make a suggestion. If you see something like this could you please check it yourself before sending it to me, there's only one of me.

— 2GB, Alan Jones Show, 30th April, 2008

 

https://www.abc.net.au/mediawatch/transcripts/0813_jones2.mp3

 

Alan Jones said something that wasn't true???

 

[octave]

10 hours ago, Marty_d said:

 

Alan Jones said something that wasn't true???

 

 

The more remarkable thing was that he publicly admitted (after being called on it) that it was false.

[Yenn]

That joke predates Peter Cosgroves generalship.

[Old Koreelah]

𝗧𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗼𝗻 𝗮𝗻 𝗔𝘂𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗮𝗻 𝘁𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗶𝘀𝗺 𝘄𝗲𝗯𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗲, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝘀𝘄𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲𝘀 𝗯𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗲𝗯𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗲 𝗼𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹𝘀, 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗼𝗯𝘃𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗹𝘆 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗮 𝗴𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗵𝘂𝗺𝗼𝘂𝗿 (𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗮 𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗼𝗹𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗵𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗰𝗿𝗲𝘁𝗶𝗻𝘀!). 
________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them    die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?    (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A:    Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is    illegal.
_________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum.    (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All    Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of  Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[red750]

This is me to a tee.....

 

Will I Live till 80? Here's something to think about.
 
 
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned "late seventy-ish").
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
 

[pmccarthy]

[red750]

GRANDPA’S VIEW:

 

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers 

and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: 

 

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort 

to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his 

granddaughter. 

 

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. 

 

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. 

 

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

 

"Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of shit, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing prick, blind bastard, dipshit, or son of a bitch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun." 

[Marty_d]

Made a beaver curry last night.

 

Similar to beef curry, but it's a little otter.

[Old Koreelah]

[red750]

Saw this on another site.  

 

Query:

 

Does anyone know the weight of ...?  Not exact, ballpark will do.

 

Reply:

 

Ballparks are very heavy.

[ClintonB]

Wife found this on FB, gave me a good laugh.

[Old Koreelah]

My wife keeps sending me stories like this one; is she trying to tell me something?

 

 

 

[red750]

CHINA AGAIN!!

 

Serious disease

 

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis"

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.  Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Australian docttah, always want opawate.  Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes,"says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week. Fawl off by itself.  

 

 

[onetrack]

One lovely Saturday in Dodge City, Marshall Dillon was walking down Main Street, and here comes Chester riding into town, without any clothes on.  

Matt hollers at him and asks, "What the heck are you doing, Chester? - riding into town without any clothes on?!"
Chester explains with a pained look;  “It’s like this Mr. Dillon”.  I was just a'scoopin' out the stable, and along comes Miss Kitty carryin' a picnic basket!  

She said “Chester, why don’t you take a break, and just you and I go out by the Plum Crik waterin' hole, and have a picnic!  I already have the goodies packed”.  

"Well Mr. Dillon, I wuz a'getttin' pretty tired, and thought that was a good idea, so I saddled up a couple of horses, and we rode off for Plum Crik."
"When we got there, Miss Kitty spread out a blanket, and we had a wonderful picnic right in the shade of the old cottonwood tree."   

"Then Miss Kitty went and took all her clothes off, and told me to do the same.  I did what she told me Mr. Dillon, cause it had been such a lovely picnic."   

"Then Miss Kitty laid down on the blanket and said, “Chester, get in the saddle, and go to town!!" 

"So here I am Mr. Dillon!!"

[onetrack]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is sparkling shiny, and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the Harley is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the Harley there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my strange family, before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says ANYTHING during dinner, has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a mountainous stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.

Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her, every which way, right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious, and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts, "OKAY!! OKAY!! - I"LL DO THE F*****G DISHES!!!"
 

[red750]

 

If you haven't tried blindfold archery, you don't know what you are missing.

 

If you have tried blindfold archery, you don't know what you are missing.