Quickies part 2

[old man emu]

How do Santa's accountants calculate his Profit and Loss Statement?

They use Yule Logs.

 

 

What is the basic unit of measurement used in Santa's Workshop?

The Santimetre

[Marty_d]

Hear about the Kiwi pervert?

 

He was arrested for winking in public.

[old man emu]

This really was the joke that was in my Christmas Bob-Bon.

 

Q, What happened to the turkey at Christmas?

A. He got gobbled.

 

I had to keep that one away from the 8-year-old grandson.

[red750]

Stay humble. The holes they dig for us in the ground are all the same size.

[red750]

Old  Motor!

 

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

 

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

 

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

 

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

 

[red750]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

 

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

 

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

 

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

 

"Can you describe what happened?"

 

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the

bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees

and had his way with me".

 

"Could you give me a description of him?"

 

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big

long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

 

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

 

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".

 

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

 

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[red750]

A young couple decided to take their six year old son to the beach for the day. Not just any beach but a nudist beach. So they go down the beach and find a place to sit and the young boy asks “Mummy can I go for a walk along the beach” and Mum says “Yes but don’t go out of my sight”. Little boy wanders off along the beach and comes back several minutes later. “Mummy” he say “some of the ladies have got bigger boobies than you” and Mum says “Yes I know dear but what you should remember is the bigger the boobies the sillier the lady”. 

 

The little boy is happy with this explanation and asks “Can I go and have a paddle in the water” and Mum says “Yes but don’t go out too far”. So he heads off to the water and comes back several minutes later and states “Mummy some of the men have got bigger things than Daddy” and Mum says “Yes I know dear but what you need to remember is the bigger the mans thing, the dumber he is”.

 

The little boy is happy with this explanation and asks “Can I go and have another paddle” and Mum says “ok but don’t be too long we are going to have lunch soon”. So the boy trots off down the beach, but this time he is only gone a couple of minutes and he’s back. He’s in a hurry. He’s running. “Mummy, mummy, Daddy’s talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks to her the dumber he gets”.

[old man emu]

The following might offend some people, but it is not my intention to do so. Please take it in the same vein as jokes about the gearing of Italian tanks and Irish intelligence. Here goes:

 

It is ironic that, as a result of the large number of deaths from COVID, German crematoria cannot meet demand.

 

 

[red750]

Four guys were at Hockey camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn’t believe it!

He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him on the cheek good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."

[red750]

--- If this one doesn't make you smile???????? 
 
 
 
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman  waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the  bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

  
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt  a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

 
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she  once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

 
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her  leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

 
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed  her gently on the step of the bus.    

 
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't  even know who you are!'

  
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly  three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

 

[old man emu]

Big news coming out of Disneyland this week!

 

Mickey and Minnie have split up.

 

Mickey knows that Minnie can be a bit of a scatterbrain, but he just discovered that she's f..kin' Goofey.

[red750]

                                                           

                                                           
The  inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
                                                           
 At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
                                                           
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
                                                           
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
                                                           
God recognized  Arthur and commented,  'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's  me...'
                                                           
God commented:  'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise   and pollution and can't run without a road?'
                                                           
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'                                                           
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
                                                           
 'Well,' said  Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
      1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 
      2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
      3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
      4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
      5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
                                                           
 'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
                                                           
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few  words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
                                                           
 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to  Arthur, 'but according to these numbers,  far more men  are riding my invention than yours'.

                                                           
                                                       
 

[red750]

Bet you didn't know this!

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations.

However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.) 

[red750]

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. “Oh, damn it,” he proclaims, “Some asshole has my pen!”

[old man emu]

My wife and I are of the same opinion on most things.

 

HER'S

 

Where opinions differ the prevailing opinion is

 

HER'S.

[pmccarthy]

When it comes to choosing movies there are two opinions. When I ask if I can choose this time, she says you chose last time. No I didnt, I agreed and conceded to watch some heart warming show when I wanted to watch Full Metal Jacket. Happens every time.

[Marty_d]

42 minutes ago, pmccarthy said:

When it comes to choosing movies there are two opinions. When I ask if I can choose this time, she says you chose last time. No I didnt, I agreed and conceded to watch some heart warming show when I wanted to watch Full Metal Jacket. Happens every time.

...which is why my wife & I will sometimes sit happily together, headphones on, watching different shows.

[red750]

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until
the last question which I got wrong.    The
question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
The answer I should have given was Fiji.

[old man emu]

A golfer was crying in his beer at the 19th when a friend asked him what the matter was.

 

He replied, " Last night I told my wife I was going to play a round today. She thought I said that I was going to play around."

 

Not only are commas important, but so is the etymology of words.

a- 

prefix or inseparable particle, a relic of various Germanic and Latin elements. In words derived from Old English, it commonly represents Old English an "on, in, into" (see on (prep.)), as in alive, above, asleep, aback, abroad, afoot, ashore, ahead, abed, aside, etc., forming adjectives and adverbs from nouns, with the notion "in, at; engaged in."

[red750]

On  a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes  into a petrol
station in a  remote part of the Irish  countryside.
 
 The  pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf,  greets him in a
typical Irish  manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro  is.
 
"Top of the  mornin' toyer, sir" says the  attendant.
  
Tiger nods a  quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.  As he
does so, two  tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the  ground.
 
 "What  are those?, asks the attendant.
 
 "They're  called tees" replies Tiger.
  
"Well, what on  this god's earth are dey  for?"?
inquires the  Irishman.
  
"They're for  resting my balls on when I'm driving", says  Tiger.
"Fookin  Jaysus", says the  Irishman,
"Mercedes  thinks of everything!". 

[Marty_d]

A priest is checking into a cheap motel.

 

"Young man," he says to the receptionist,  "I hope the pornography channel is disabled in my room!"

 

The receptionist looks him up and down and says coldly, "No, it's just regular porn you sick bastard!"

[red750]

Cinderella is now 95 years old. 
 
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named John for companionship. 
 
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
 
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'? 
 
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?' 
 
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: 
 
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. 
 
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. 
 
Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother' 
 
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do...what do you want for your second wish?' 
 
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.' 
 
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. 
 
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?' 
 
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform John, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.' 
 
Magically, John suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. 
 
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
 
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. 
 
For a few eerie moments, John and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. 
 
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.. 
 
Then John walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off.'
 

[red750]

[Yenn]

After 62plus years of marriage my wife thought that funny. Frankly I can't see the funny side of it.

[red750]

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.

 

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.

 

Suzie stood and walked to the lectern.  She said, "I have some praise.  Two months ago, my husband Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

 

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

 

"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."

 

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

 

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

 

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.  He said, "I'm Frank".

 

The entire congregation held its breath.

 

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."