Quickies part 2

[onetrack]

If you think your job is a constant PIA ....

 

... Just remember, that in every BMW dealership around the world, there's some poor bastard trying to fix the indicators in BMWs.

[willedoo]

On 09/08/2020 at 10:28 AM, onetrack said:

Reminds me of the naming of the Mitsubishi Pajero. Named after the pampas cat (leopardus pajeros), the Pajero was sold worldwide - except in Spanish-speaking countries - where it was greeted with disbelief and scorn.

"Pajero" in Spanish means "wanker or tosser" or a chronic masturbator. It was rapidly renamed the Mitsubishi Montero, for sale in those countries, where Spanish is the primary language.

Words can be a minefield in foreign languages. We all talk about the bridge on the River Kwai. In Thai, it's Khwae and pronounced like quack without the 'ck' on the end. The word Kwai as we pronounce it is buffalo, which is a derogatory slang term for someone stupid. But worse still, it's also the slang term for a penis. So to a Thai, you would be saying "Excuse me, could you direct me to the Bridge on the River Dick?"

[Cosmick]

The actual Bridge at Kanchanaburi is built over the Mae Klong River which was renamed after the movie for the Tourists (Khwae Yai). The Bridge in the movie was constructed for the set in Sri Lanka

Edited August 28, 2020 by Cosmick
add photo

[Cosmick]

20 hours ago, willedoo said:

Words can be a minefield in foreign languages. We all talk about the bridge on the River Kwai. In Thai, it's Khwae and pronounced like quack without the 'ck' on the end. The word Kwai as we pronounce it is buffalo, which is a derogatory slang term for someone stupid. But worse still, it's also the slang term for a penis. So to a Thai, you would be saying "Excuse me, could you direct me to the Bridge on the River Dick?"

Thats one of the reasons why the Thai's are always smiling, at what we say. Hello in Thai is Swasdi pronounced  Sawadee, ladies follow with Khaa and Men follow with Khrap. When you get off the plane the Hosties all say Sawadee Khaa with a nice up lifting tone. I was following a group of Russian Body Builders big blokes and they are trying to assimilate saying Sawadee Khaa like a girl every 3 seconds and the Thais couldn't contain themselves from laughter.

[willedoo]

5 hours ago, Cosmick said:

The actual Bridge at Kanchanaburi is built over the Mae Klong River which was renamed after the movie for the Tourists (Khwae Yai). The Bridge in the movie was constructed for the set in Sri Lanka

Sounds like you've been there, Mike. I visited the bridge and war cemetery in 1985. One thing I remember was the museum run by local monks with the replica huts. They had a bomb suspended by a chain between two posts with a sign reading "a bomb". But they did a good job considering the lack of available artifacts to display.

[Cosmick]

1 hour ago, willedoo said:

Sounds like you've been there, Mike. I visited the bridge and war cemetery in 1985. One thing I remember was the museum run by local monks with the replica huts. They had a bomb suspended by a chain between two posts with a sign reading "a bomb". But they did a good job considering the lack of available artifacts to display.

Without risking too much drift, first trip 2015 100 yrs WWI 3000 at hellfire pass for ANZAC day. Usually a couple of hundred. Death Museum, still run by Monks. When world back to normal recommend trip, cheap and close andplenty to see.

[onetrack]

An American goes to a club in Germany with a T-shirt that reads: "Muslims have Three Problems".

Immediately a Muslim bloke comes up to him, and says: "What's that supposed to mean, on your T-shirt? You looking for trouble?"

The American says, "See, this is your first problem. You are too aggressive, and permanently offended. You start quarrels over nothing."

"The Muslim says, "Is that right? Let's go outside, then!"

They go outside, and the Muslim suddenly produces 4 of his compatriots for support.

He says, "O.K., now there's five of us. What are you gonna do now, jerk?"

The American says, "This is your second problem. You cannot deal with your shit alone, you always have to bring your girlfriends along!"

The Muslim bloke screams, "What? You're screwed, you arsehole!!"

The Muslims pull out knives, and start to close in aggressively.

And the American says, "And this is your third and biggest problem. You bring knives to a gunfight!"

[red750]

I'm reading this book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

[onetrack]

During WW2 there was a German in Berlin, who out of the kindness of his heart, rescued 160 Jewish people, and provided them with warmth, shelter, bottles of water, and regular loaves of bread.

 

You think this was a kind gesture? You should've seen what Hitler did! He made 6 million Jews toast!

[red750]

Everlasting marriage.

 

Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat.

 

 He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on!

She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night we have never had any problems

 

''Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be good thing to try.

 

So on his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Jane, 'Here try these on.'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large, they don't fit me. '

Mike said, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

 

Then Jane took off her pants, and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'

He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.'

Jane said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will.'

And they lived happily ever after!

[red750]

Ozzie humour.

 

The missus isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. I'm
not sure how...I didn't even know it was her birthday!

 

Woman to husband: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight!”

Hussband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."

 

After too many beers, my mate asked if he could crash out on my sofa.
I had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.

 

The missus said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too
often. At least that's what it says in her diary.

 

As me and the missus headed off on a romantic holiday, we talked about
what kinky things we'd like to do to each other. She said, "I've
always wanted to be handcuffed."  So I planted a kilo of cocaine in
her suitcase.

 

My mate is thinking about asking his ex-missus to re-marry him, but
he's worried she’ll think he is just after her for his money.

 

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on a pair of women’s lace
knickers. 1st guy: "Since when do you wear women's underwear?" 2nd
guy: "Since the missus found ‘em in the glove box."

 

My missus left me for another bloke. All that lies ahead now is a
miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.
And while the poor bugger's going through all that, I'll be down at
the pub with my mates every night!

 

 My missus left a note on the fridge: "It's not working. I can't take
it anymore, I'm going to live with my mum." I opened the fridge door,
the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell is she on about?"

 

 My missus said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I
crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day, for no
reason.

[red750]

An Israeli doctor says; “in Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work”.

 

The German doctor says;” That’s nothing, in Germany we took a part of a man’s brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for work”.

 

The Russian doctor says; “Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another man’s chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for work”.

 

The Australian doctor laughs; “You are all behind us. We took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him premier of Victoria. Now, the whole state is looking for work!”

[red750]

It is probably only Australians who can write poetry about Australian icons that can be understood by Australians.

If you have a good memory, lived on a farm or are used to camping you will know what I mean when you read today’s Aussie Classic Poem.
Just scroll down ......

A  bit of Aussie culture - ---

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without a trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'
'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.
The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--
Well, he always used to hold his breath
Until he heard the splash!!

 

 

[red750]

Irish funeral

 Paddy died. His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.    
 
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend.

"Ah well, Paddy would be pleased," she said.
 
"You're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
 
"So go on, how much did this really cost?'" 
"All of it," said Colleen.  "Forty thousand." 
 
"Aw No!" Mary exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!" 
Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church.  The whisky, wine and snacks were another £500.  The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
 
Mary computed  quickly.
 
"For the love of God Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone? 
How big is it?" 
 . 
 . 
 .

.

.

.

.

.

 

[pmccarthy]

cant see the punch line!

 

[Yenn]

She is wearing it, if you can't see it it could be that she is Jewish and turns her rings so that the stones are on the palm side of her hands. That is so that they are displayed when she talks ans opens her hands out in front of you with the palms outwards.

[red750]

The Italian lover

 

The Italian Lover, a virile  middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome

when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her

back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After

a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."

 

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were

screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

 

Stunned, but refusing to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking,

clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

 

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes,

smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

 

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear.....

 

 

 

 

"No, Norwegian

[red750]

This is absolutely brilliant.

 

A 96-year-old woman's note to her bank! Priceless! 😂🤣
The following is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
----------------------------
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course,
I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
Press 1: To make an appointment to see me.
Press 2: To query a missing payment.
Press 3: To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
Press 4: To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
Press 5: To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
Press 6: To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
Press 7: To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
Press 8: To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client...
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman!)
Make it a great day…

[red750]

Haven't heard much from Phil lately. Pity. I've got a couple of two-liners for him.

 

My family have a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.

----------------

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me poor and ugly.

---------------

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.

[Marty_d]

5 hours ago, red750 said:

This is absolutely brilliant.

 

A 96-year-old woman's note to her bank! Priceless! 😂🤣
The following is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
----------------------------
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course,
I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
Press 1: To make an appointment to see me.
Press 2: To query a missing payment.
Press 3: To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
Press 4: To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
Press 5: To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
Press 6: To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
Press 7: To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
Press 8: To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client...
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman!)
Make it a great day…

That 96 year old woman has been around for a long time, I've seen this one before...

[red750]

Irish Logic.

 

A tourist is travelling through Ireland. He stops and asks a local, "What is the quickest way to Donegal?"

 

The Irishman asks, "Are you walking or driving?"

 

"Driving." says the tourist.

 

The Irishman replies, "Yes, that's the quickest way."

[red750]

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

 

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" 

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". 

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. 

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?” 

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

[red750]

This is an oldie, and I take my life in my hands posting this here, but here goes.

 

Queensland logic.

 

Two Queenslanders, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their local pub having a few beers.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know what, I'm tired of going through life without a good education.

Tomorrow I think I'll go down to that community college and sign up for some classes."

Next day, Jim goes to the college and meets with the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim asks the Dean. "What's that?"

The Dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a whipper snipper?"

"Yeah!"

Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done yet, the Dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet, the Dean says. "Because you have a family, then logically you would have a wife". "And, because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."?

"I am a heterosexual." says Jim. "That's amazing, you were able to find out all that because I have a whipper snipper!"

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the pub.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example.

Do you have a whipper snipper?"

"No."

"Then you're a poofter."

[Marty_d]

1 hour ago, red750 said:

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

 

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" 

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". 

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. 

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?” 

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

Don't know what country he was in, but pretty sure that the missus having a lover is not illegal!

[Jerry_Atrick]

On 09/10/2020 at 12:40 PM, Marty_d said:

That 96 year old woman has been around for a long time, I've seen this one before...

She was 86 when it started! Still good, though

Edited October 11, 2020 by Jerry_Atrick