Quickies part 2

[red750]

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

[red750]

Nominated as the best short joke this year...

 

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

[Phil Perry]

If you’re bored... phone up a women’s rights group. . . .

 

& ask to speak to the man in charge.

[red750]

My wife and I went to the Royal Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said..... ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

 

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said,

'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

 

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,

'WOW~~That's almost 3 times a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

 

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,In capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

 

 

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow...'

 

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[old man emu]

What do Egyptian Mummies like to eat?

 

Tombatoes.

[red750]

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte !! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

 

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

 

Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

 

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

 

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

 

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being p1ssed off.'

 

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

[Marty_d]

Outdoor exhibitionism and watersports - isn't that a normal first date for some folks?

[old man emu]

They say that the Great Apes - Chimps, Gorillas and Man - are the most intelligent animals on the planet. Is that because we can pick our noses and scratch our arzes at the same time?

[red750]

Laziest guy in the world has a book on his shelf called Baby Naming Book. His son is named Aaron.

[Jerry_Atrick]

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

 

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

 

The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

[old man emu]

I'm nursing a very bruised and battered body tonight.

 

I did something today that I haven't done in years - went horse riding. It was great to begin with. Slowly we went around the circuit, and all was well. I waved to my wife who was standing off to the side. Then we started going faster and faster and faster. Now, I'm a bit of a Pommy Jackaroo and my riding style wouldn't win a ribbon at a country show. I can tell you, as we got even faster I was hanging on for grim death. As we cornered hard, I lost my seat and off I went. But my foot was caught in the stirrup and I was being dragged along, bouncing over the ground.

 

Luckily, the Supermarket Manager saw my dilemma and rushed to pull the plug on the ride. $2.00 I paid and ended up a battered wreck. But that was nothing like the ear-bashing the missus gave me for not acting my age.

[onetrack]

Those looters in the U.S. are complete idiots. If they wanted to do their looting properly, they should've set up 2 Holding Companies, 3 Trusts, a Management Company, arranged Transfer Pricing, and ensured the structures were spread between Delaware, the Cayman Islands, the Cook Islands, and Liechtenstein.

[Marty_d]

Yes, take a lesson from the commander-in-thief.

[red750]

Wise Italian Grandfather

 

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson

to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to

take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember

me."

 

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave

me your Rolex watch instead?"

 

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da

business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a

home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

 

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna

bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you

watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

[red750]

Irish blonde...

 

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the

casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand

dollars in a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when

I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down,

rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby,

Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.

"Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked

up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

 

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other

answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 

MORAL OF THE STORY

 

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,

..... but all men...are men!

[red750]

Global Facts About Sex

 

At any given moment:

 

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

 

You hang in there, sunshine!

[red750]

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... ?????????

and all just because of a stupid cop...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

 

Officer: "License please, I think you are drunk!"

 

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

 

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

 

Me: "A car."

 

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

 

Me:"I have no idea!"

 

Officer:"So, you're drunk."

 

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

 

Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

 

Me:"A motorcycle."

 

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

 

Me:"I have no idea!"

 

Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

 

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

 

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

 

Officer:"A prostitute of course."

 

Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

 

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

[onetrack]

Luigi works hard and saves all his wages in Italy, so he can go visit America with his wife Virginia.

 

Luigi loves America and wants to see a lot of it. He's heard it's the land of the Brave and the Free.

 

Eventually, he saves enough to take a cruise to America. Once he arrives in New York, he decides they'll take a train trip.

 

Once rolling on the train, Luigi decides to pull out one of his best cigars. But a conductor promptly arrives and says, "I'm sorry sir, you can't smoke here, you'll have to move to the Smoking Car".

 

Luigi says, "I thought this-a was the land of da Brave and da Free??" Doesn't sound-a very Free to me!?" Still grumbling, he and Virginia get up and move to the Smoking Car.

 

Once he's finished his cigar, he decides he'll open up some of the fine Italian cheeses and cold meats they've brought along, and they'll have a snack.

 

No sooner does the smell of Garlic and Parmesan and Gorgonzola and Italian Sausage waft through the air, and the conductor is speedily at Luigi's elbow again.

 

"I'm sorry Sir, if you wish to eat, you'll need to move to the Dining Car!", says the conductor. Luigi says, "More rules and-a regulations? Doesn't sound like-a da Land of da Free to me!!"

 

Still grumbling, he and Virginia decide they'll pack their snack away, and hit their sleeper cabin.

 

No sooner than they're happily esconced in bed and having a bit of slap and tickle - the conductor walks along the aisle outside their cabin yelling. "Norfolk, Virginia!! Norfolk, Virginia!!".

 

Luigi jumps out of bed and rips the door open, and screams back: "FXXX you too, you-a Son-of-a-BXXXX, and your lack of freedoms! I'm going to FXXX Virginia, regardless!!"

Edited June 8, 2020 by Guest

[red750]

[red750]

[red750]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..

 

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

 

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains..

 

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

 

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

 

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

 

You're going to love this......

 

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

 

 

"Defrost the chicken."

[onetrack]

This is actually a true story, although it's amusing - and it's the reverse of the above.

 

When Rolls-Royce wanted to install an automatic transmission into their luxury cars in the early 1950's, they hunted around for a suitable unit.

They correctly surmised it would be more economic to find a true-and-tested design of automatic transmission, and build that under licence, rather than build their own transmission from scratch.

 

Eventually, it was determined the finest automatic available was the Hydramatic, built by GM and originally installed in GM's Oldsmobile in 1939.

(The Hydramatic was actually designed by Cadillac, but it was initially installed in Oldsmobiles, in case it was a sales failure, whereby it wouldn't affect Cadillacs high standing).

 

So RR ordered a Hydramatic and took it apart to examine it, to see if it could be improved.

They were utterly horrified to find this transmission had been assembled with unfinished rough castings and passageways, like a hurried Friday-afternoon-knock-off special.

 

They decided this wasn't anywhere near good enough for RR, where every surface was polished and hand finished.

So they set to, and polished every component and surface in the transmission by hand, until they were satisfied it met RR finish standards.

 

They then installed the transmission in a RR car and were perplexed to find it wouldn't shift or perform properly. They were flummoxed.

They pulled it apart and put it back together several times, and kept fiddling with it - and it still wouldn't work properly. It gave jerky shifts, shifts at incorrect engine and road speeds, and generally behaved in an abominable fashion.

 

Eventually, they called GM engineers and complained about the "dud" transmission they'd been sold.

GM engineers were initially perplexed, and started asking what the RR engineers had actually done to the transmission.

 

Upon revealing that the RR engineers were appalled at the poor finish of the American mass-produced product, they advised how they'd corrected all the poor finish problems, until it met RR's exacting standards.

After being informed about what the RR engineers had done, the GM engineers fell about laughing.

 

When they stopped laughing, they said to RR - "The rough-finished castings are not a sign of rough workmanship - they are a specific feature of the transmission!

Not only does the rough-finished castings speed up production, and lower costs - the rough surfaces act as a natural impediment to fast flow of the hydraulic fluid, which aids in smooth shifting, and correct transmission operation!"

 

Needless to say, the RR engineers were a little embarrassed that they hadn't picked up on this subtle engineering feature, such was their obsession with polished finished surfaces!

Edited June 9, 2020 by onetrack

[old man emu]

the rough surfaces act as a natural impediment to fast flow of the hydraulic fluid,

 

Therein is the double-sided sword of polishing the intake tubes of an engine. On one hand, the polished tubes allow faster movement of air to the engine. On the other hand, the rough surfaces aid in the creation of eddies in the airflow which aid in the mixing of the fuel with air to get a more complete mixture which burns more evenly.

[red750]

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[TD] BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT[/TD]

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These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old,

Hateful little bastard.

Bites!

 

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

 

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

 

 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

 

**** And the WINNER is... ****

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

 

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly."If women are so bloody perfect at multi-tasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

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Children Are Quick

____________________________________

 

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.

Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand?

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brothers..

Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

 

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________

PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off[/TD]

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Edited June 9, 2020 by red750

[willedoo]

Hillary Clinton's Autobiography

 

Finally the truth comes out - This is an extract from Hillary Clinton’s autobiography, ‘The Truth Will Always Prevail' to be released soon.

 

“Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. He wasn’t the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty. Bill voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice. Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many Chefs did that.

 

Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself. By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

 

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard President Clinton whisper in a barely audible voice: “Sack my cook”.

 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.”

Edited June 10, 2020 by Guest