Quickies part 2

[red750]

Gordon died. So Susan went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries section. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Susan what she would like to say about Gordon.

“Just put ‘Gordon died’,” Susan replied.

 

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said: “That’s it? Just ‘Gordon died’? Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Gordon. If it’s money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free.”

 

So Susan pondered for a few minutes and finally said: “Okay then, put ‘Gordon died. Sailboat for sale’.”

[red750]

The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.   

 

   He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

 

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

[red750]

 A senior citizen in Tasmania was  overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be  here.”   

    When asked why, he replied, “I’d  rather be in Tasmania ‘cause everything happens in Tasmania 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

[red750]

Cop to a prisoner he arrested:

 

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

[nomadpete]

8 hours ago, red750 said:

 A senior citizen in Tasmania was  overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be  here.”   

    When asked why, he replied, “I’d  rather be in Tasmania ‘cause everything happens in Tasmania 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Hey!

That's the reason I moved to Tassie!

[red750]

A survey was conducted to find out which shower soap was most preferred by women.

 

The most common answer was "How did you get in here?"

[Marty_d]

10 hours ago, red750 said:

A survey was conducted to find out which shower soap was most preferred by women.

 

The most common answer was "How did you get in here?"

 

Sounds like a good job!

[red750]

[old man emu]

I'm not too worried about picking up an STD from a one-night stand, but I'm scared that I might get COVID from one.

[red750]

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

 

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter..

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,”

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.”

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !”

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?”

[red750]

A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big  "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah.  I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give  him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the  store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns  and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your  employment here.
We have very strict standards for our sales force  here in Florida.
One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the  boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day.

He asked  (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.
Then I asked him  where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him  he was going to need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't  think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife,
and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing

[red750]

Due to supply chain issues, the new year will arrive sometime in 2023.

[old man emu]

As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”

“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”

[willedoo]

23 minutes ago, old man emu said:

As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”

“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”

Good one. That whole subject leaves itself wide open to a lot of similar jokes.

[red750]

ZEN TEACHINGS

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2.  Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.

3.  No one is listening until you pass wind.

4.  Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6.  If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone 20 bucks and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog,  some days you are the tree.

13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … And most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass – then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[red750]

Here's an oldie.

 

THE  TAXMAN  COMETH...

At the end of the tax year, the HMRC sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. 

While the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said: “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there. 

What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. 

However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical.

“What about a these plasters? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising to the challenge answered ...

"We save that too, and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"My, my, an answer for everything!" responded the auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit.

"What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.  What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

[Jerry_Atrick]

Reminds me of an oldie, which I am sure every knows, but what the heck..

 

A Rabbi walks into the buying department of Myers and offers to sell a one-of-a-kind handbag. He explains to the buyer that he has been saving the foreskins of all the circumcisions he has done over the years and made this handbag. The buyer thought it was a very smart handbag, and as it turned out, it was very soft and supple leather.

 

"How much?", asked the buyer.

 

"$10,000" was the prompt and emphatic response by the rabbi.

 

"What? I know its a one off and it is a pretty design, but apart from that what makes it so special to make it worth that much?!?" asked the buyer..

"Aha... " said the rabbi.. "If a lady strokes it 3 times, it becomes a suitcase!"

 

Ba-boom..

[old man emu]

They say, "Time flies".

 

I'll say it does. I got bitten by a March Fly this morning, and it's only the First of February.

[Marty_d]

9 hours ago, old man emu said:

They say, "Time flies".

 

I'll say it does. I got bitten by a March Fly this morning, and it's only the First of February.

Bastards aren't they.

 

Get a miniature Foxie.  Ours loves nothing better than to sit close by and snap at the March flies.  She gets quite a few too.

[onetrack]

OME, you're starting to sound like Billy Connolly. "March flies? It's fookin' November, and they're biting you!"

[nomadpete]

12 hours ago, Marty_d said:

Bastards aren't they.

 

Get a miniature Foxie.  Ours loves nothing better than to sit close by and snap at the March flies.  She gets quite a few too.

It's great to see that you have trained your dog to earn it's keep.

 

Now, how are the children getting along?

[old man emu]

29 minutes ago, nomadpete said:

Now, how are the children getting along?

Well, my son and his family have moved in to the house my wife and I lived in. Right now he's hovering a mini-drone in the middle of my bedroom. Fortunately the RAAF is keeping my daughter in Canberra.

 

I get to move out next Tuesday.

[nomadpete]

When you 'hand over the keys', turn and walk to the car,  OME, that's the moment that you turn the page. Then you will feel the impact of starting this new phase of your life. (Just warning you. Be prepared for it)

[old man emu]

It won't be a complete severance. My son has moved in to the house, so it will still be in the family.

[Yenn]

Surely you got that ass about. Your family will be in the house.