Quickies part 2

[red750]

-If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

 

-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
 

-I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

 

-I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

 

-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
 

-When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

 

-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
 

-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

[red750]

Last night my obese parrot died.

 

That's a huge weight off my shoulders.

[facthunter]

Another Pollygone. Nev

[nomadpete]

That's what Piethagorus said

[old man emu]

Was it an expensive one you got on hire purchase?

[onetrack]

So ... it's immediately obvious your Parrot wasn't on a Polly-unsaturated diet!

[onetrack]

There's a parrot in a cage in a pet-shop window.

When a lady walks past, the parrot cries out, "Oi! - You’re a fat cow!"

The lady is furious, and rushes inside the shop, and angrily says to the owner, 'It's outrageous that your parrot has learnt to say that!"

The owner says, "I'm so sorry. I couldn’t agree more."

He then turns to the parrot and says, "Start behaving yourself - or I'll tape your beak up."

"OK," says the parrot.

The next day, the lady walks past the shop, and the parrot cries out, "You know what I’m thinking!!"

[onetrack]

Sister Agatha and Sister Edna are outside their convent, sneaking a quick cigarette, when it starts to rain.

Sister Agatha pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Edna asks, "What in the dickens is that?"

Agatha says, "It's a condom. This way, my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Edna says, "Really? -  where did you get it?"

Sister Agatha tells her, "You can get them at any pharmacy."

The next day Sister Edna walks into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist, that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, quite embarrassed, looks at the 80 year old nun, and delicately asks, what size, texture and brand of condom, she prefers?

Sister Edna says, "Doesn't matter Sonny! - just make sure it's big enough to fit on a Camel!!"

 

Edited January 9, 2023 by onetrack

[red750]

So I’m at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog food for my dog.

While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, right? So on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina diet again, and that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of every orifice and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and all you do is load your pockets with it and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well, and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

[facthunter]

IF you ate chooks bran and pollard you'd be running around like a spring chicken in a coupla weeks. Nev

[old man emu]

9 hours ago, facthunter said:

pollard

Now there's an interesting word. In Australia it describes a finely milled blend of bran and wheat middlings. It is a highly palatable energy and protein rich feed that is commonly fed to most types of livestock including horses, pigs, poultry, goats, sheep and cattle.

 

However, if you search for a definition of "pollard" all you get are meanings for a deer that has shed its antlers, and horned livestock that has been dehorned. It is also for a term to describe a tree that has been trimmed at the top to promote the growth of thin branches. Traditionally, people pollarded trees for one of two reasons: for fodder to feed livestock or for wood.

       

[Old Koreelah]

10 hours ago, facthunter said:

IF you ate chooks bran and pollard you'd be running around like a spring chicken in a coupla weeks. Nev

We grew up on pollard and bran- and did run around like spring chickens!

[red750]

Breeds of Livestock - Polled Hereford  -  from Oklahoma State University.

 

Breeds of Livestock - Polled Hereford

 

Polled Herefords represent the development of an idea - an idea spawned in the minds of a small number of Midwestern Hereford breeders in the late 1890s who realized that it was both possible and practical to develop "modern Herefords minus horns."

These breeders were motivated by the promising prospect of developing Herefords with outstanding beef-producing characteristics, but with the added desirable trait of being naturally hornless. They planted the seed from which grew a new giant in the American and world beef cattle industry

The Polled Hereford of today is the result - a modern, practical breed of cattle that has experienced widespread acceptance and desirability.

 

Polled Herefords were developed from the horned Hereford breed which was founded in the mid-18th century by the farmers of Hereford County, England. Among the horned Herefords an occasional calf would be born which did not develop horns. This change from parents' characteristics is known as a "mutation." These cattle soon came to be called "polled," which means naturally hornless.

[red750]

                *Two Woodpeckers* 

 

This Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. 

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

 

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

 

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

 

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked
the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...

 

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

 

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: 

Apparently, Tiger Woods and Shane Warne were right, when they said, 
“your pecker gets harder when you're away from home”.

[red750]

 A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little  about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.  She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching..

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch  looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally, he returned a round two- thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.  "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

 

 

I didn't see it coming, either!

[red750]

Is it just coincidence that YANK and JERK can have similar meanings?

[facthunter]

Tut Tut. Now we're being awful. The worst ones get  all the attention..  Nev

[willedoo]

This is not a formal joke, just something off the radio. I was listening to the radio and a bloke texted in to the station to say that a new social media platform was going to be launched, combining Youtube, Twitter and Facebook. He said it was going to be called YouTwitFace.

[Jerry_Atrick]

And when you combine it with Truth Social, YouLyingTwitFace

[onetrack]

A Russian man dies and goes to Hell. There he finds that each country has a separate Hell, and one may opt to sign up for any of them.

He goes first to the German Hell and asks St Peter, 'What do they do here?' St Peter says, "First, they put you in an electric chair for 4 hours, and burn you extensively.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another 4 hours, and place weights on you, while you're there. Then the German Devil comes in, and whips you viciously for the rest of the day."

 

The Russian doesn't like the sound of the German Hell at all, so he goes to the American Hell. There, he's told of the exact same routine happening;

"First, they put you in an electric chair for 4 hours and burn you extensively. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another 4 hours and place weights on you while you're there.

Then the American Devil comes in, and whips you viciously for the rest of the day."

 

He then tries a few other countries Hells, and gets the same answer each time.

Then finally he comes to the Russian Hell, and finds a very long queue of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks St Peter, "What do they do here?"

And to his great surprise, once again he receives the same answer as his previous inquiries revealed.

He exclaims, "So, what's going on? That's exactly the same as all the other Hells - so what's the long queue for?"

And St Peter replies; "Because the Russians are running this Hell, there's no power, the electric chair doesn't work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the Devil is a former Russian bureaucrat - so he comes in, signs the register, and then goes off to the casino for the rest of the day..."

[red750]

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.
The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says,
“Well, then, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died’.”
Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor says,
“Sorry ma’am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries.”
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says,
“In that case, let it read,
‘Billy Bob died – 1983 Pick-up for sale.’ “

[Old Koreelah]

[nomadpete]

DID YOU KNOW......
A recent study found that the average Australian walks 900 miles a year.
Another study found the average Australian consumes 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.
That means on average AUSSIES get 41 miles to the gallon.

MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE, DOESN'T IT??

[nomadpete]

Forget about Bitcoin....

If you had bought $1000 worth of Qantas shares one year ago.
You would have made $49.00 today.
If you bought $1000 worth of AIG shares one year ago.
You would have made $33.00 today.
If you bought $1000 worth of Lehman Brothers Shares one year ago.
You would have made $0.00 today.

BUT .... If you invested $1000 in beer one year ago, drank all the beer then returned the cans for recycling, you would have made $214.00 today.

So, the best investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle !!

[facthunter]

That's a "staggering" revelation.  Nev