Quickies part 2

[Phil Perry]

Got my mate with an oldie the other day.

 

He was having bother with his motorbike everything he tried to do didn't solve the problem,. . . So I said to him that Coles and Murphys law were in action by the look of things. . .

 

He said I know what Murphys law is,. . . ie anything that can go wrong will go wrong - but I have never heard of Coles law. . .what is it?.

 

Keeping a straight face I replied, oh thats just shredded carrot, cabbage and mayonaise.

 

It took him a couple of seconds then he ran at me brandishing a spanner; shouting 'you bastard'. . . Its hard to run when you're laughing like a loonie.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

A man meets a Genie and the Genie tells him that he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother in law gets double.

 

He thinks for a while....

 

"OK, give me a million quid and beat me half to death"

 

 

[Phil Perry]

I can't stand nancy boys. Give me toxic masculinity any day of the week.

 

A friend of mine came to me in tears, saying he’s sick and tired of his apple tree not bearing any fruit.

 

I told him to buck himself up and grow a pear.

 

 

[old man emu]

Sydney Water Police have entered a crew in the Dragon Boat races at Australia Day On The Harbour next year.

 

The crew is known as the Row-roCops.

 

 

[Marty_d]

Being in Sydney, surely the drag queen community have a boat?

 

They could be the Drag in Dragon Boat.

 

 

[kgwilson]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

 

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.

 

You're just like Frank.'

 

Passenger: 'Who?'

 

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

 

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to

 

Frank Feldman every single time.'

 

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

 

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have

 

won the Grand-Slam at tennis.

 

He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced

 

like a Broadway star and you

 

should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

 

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

 

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer.

 

He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine,

 

Which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix

 

anything. Not like me.

 

I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman,

 

could do everything right.'

 

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

 

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid

 

traffic jams.

 

Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never

 

made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.

 

He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;

 

and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He

 

was the perfect man!

 

He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

 

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

 

Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.'

 

 

[old man emu]

Hey you Pommy B's! Why have you kept this to yourselves?

 

 

[Phil Perry]

The world’s heaviest man has spent £2,000 on a 3-metre Python skin belt.

 

What a stupid waist. . . . .

 

 

[Phil Perry]

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[old man emu]

The sign on the motorway said, "Beware of blind spots."

 

They should keep visually-impaired canines off busy roads.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Police are this morning hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed 16 people in the bum.

 

Police believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern.

 

 

[kgwilson]

Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make.

 

I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this.

 

The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.

 

Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

 

Regards, Richard

 

NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE :

 

 

 

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second Text message from Richard.

 

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE :

 

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Spell Correct had changed “wi-fi" to “wife”. Tec hnology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.

 

Regards, Richard

 

 

[red750]

Met a woman who said she charged by the hour.

 

I said, "I hope you're good at fractions."

 

 

[Marty_d]

As long as her rate is easily divisible by 3600, you should be ok Peter...

 

 

[nomadpete]

Don't want to resort to going seconds

 

 

[Phil Perry]

I'm reading books about the apocalypse like there's no tomorrow. . . .

 

 

[Phil Perry]

I went to school in a Really Rough area,. . . where the really hard teachers had leather jackets with Tweed elbow patches. . . .

 

 

[Phil Perry]

We went to the zoo. They only had one animal.

 

It was a Shih Tzu.

 

 

[old man emu]

I thought I stepped in some dog poo outside a joke shop.

 

Luckily it was just shampoo.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Me and my Brothesr bought some furniture from the local zoo. I’m glad to say I got the lion’s chair.

 

 

[red750]

[red750]

The Dead Pig.

 

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.

 

It was a fine spring day in his new parish.

 

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

 

He then noticed there was a pig lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

 

He promptly called the local police station.

 

The conversation went like this:

 

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

 

And the best of the day te yerself.

 

This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a pig lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

 

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites."

 

There was dead silence on the line for a moment.

 

Father O'Malley then replied:

 

"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

 

 

[David2ayo]

According to the well-known and ultrareliable media outlet, the Betoota Advocate, drought relief has been recalled. They have just found a needle in a haystack.

 

David

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Here you go then:

 

A true story about a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter, a mouse and a cat.There is a moral to this story; but not exactly the one most of us are expecting !

 

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh…if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

 

There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.”

 

There was a bear on the shore thinking, “Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly…and I will grab him!”

 

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich….

 

Gosh,” he thought, “if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish leaps for it…that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.”

 

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake; but I can tell you there’s more….

 

A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish…the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.”

 

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,

 

“Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches..and that fish jumps for that fly … and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear…and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich …then I can have mouse for lunch.”

 

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

 

The fish swallows the fly… The bear grabs the fish… The hunter shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich… The cat jumps for the

 

mouse.. The mouse ducks…The cat falls into the water and drowns.

 

The moral of the story is:

 

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.

 

 

[facthunter]

Could be a bad case of zipper rash there. Rule one to 100. Long Jokes MUST be REALLY funny Phil. or you infringe the effort/ reward relationship limit. Nev