red750 Posted July 5, 2018 Author Share Posted July 5, 2018 Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.” The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.” The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.” Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?” "Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David2ayo Posted July 5, 2018 Share Posted July 5, 2018 The angel at the Pearly Gates had a bit of a dilemma. He went up to St Peter, said "Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves are here, requesting entry". So. St Peter headed down to talk to them. They were quite persistent, so St Peter told them to wait while he went to Higher Authority, and booked in an appointment with God. "Look," he said, "its all your Son's fault. He'll let anyone in, not like the old days when you had to follow all the rules and satisfy the Pharisees before you got a look-in. Now, all you have to do is apologise and be sorry and in you go!" So, God replied "Yes, a bit awkward at times, but just suck it up Princess, I suppose we have to let them in. Now go down, let them in and just mind your manners!" So St Peter headed back down ... "oh, no OH NOOOO!!" Rushed back to God (without an appointment, but it was urgent) and said "THEY'VE GONE!!!!" "Well, I suppose it makes it a bit easier for you if the Forty Thieves have rescinded their application" God replied. "NO ---- I mean YES ---- but , OH NOOO!" St Peter blurted out. "Come on man, settled down!" said God "Settle?" St Peter replied."NO CHANCE! They've stolen the Pearly Gates!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted July 5, 2018 Share Posted July 5, 2018 I used go out with an anaesthetist. She was a local girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Koreelah Posted July 5, 2018 Share Posted July 5, 2018 We need a "sick" icon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
facthunter Posted July 6, 2018 Share Posted July 6, 2018 Was she "an aesthetic" and you didn't notice? Nev. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted July 6, 2018 Share Posted July 6, 2018 Last night I dreamed I was floating in an orange ocean. I think it was a Fanta sea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted July 6, 2018 Share Posted July 6, 2018 We need a "sick" icon. Caution OK ? ? ?. . . . . Local Anaesthetic / Local Girl ? ? ? Sick ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? am I missing something here ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Koreelah Posted July 6, 2018 Share Posted July 6, 2018 The site is missing an icon for cringeworthyness... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted July 7, 2018 Share Posted July 7, 2018 I couldn't remember how to fasten my seatbelt. I thought I was getting Old Timer's Disease. Then it clicked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted July 7, 2018 Author Share Posted July 7, 2018 Cooking when you're pissed. Shove it in the oven, set on 190. Take a nap. When the smoke alarm wakes you, it's done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allowera Posted July 7, 2018 Share Posted July 7, 2018 That's cooking! When I barbeque something, if I can't eat it I want to be able to draw with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 Heathens! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted July 27, 2018 Author Share Posted July 27, 2018 Little Johnny's Breakfast - - - - - A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'. 'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'. 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'. The eacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast. When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?' Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got bugger all for breakfast’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted July 29, 2018 Share Posted July 29, 2018 Stop me if you've heard this.. . . . For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. One with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted July 30, 2018 Share Posted July 30, 2018 Send extra sauce. That was the problem in the first place... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted August 3, 2018 Author Share Posted August 3, 2018 Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It appeared that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat . . . And nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip sh*t. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted August 3, 2018 Author Share Posted August 3, 2018 After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Kim Jong Un is still alive," Kim Jong Un himself decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting, to let him know he was still in the game. The Donald opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H. The Donald was baffled, so he e-mailed it to his aides who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. None could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell The President, he's holding the message upside down." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted August 5, 2018 Author Share Posted August 5, 2018 Obama, Hillary, and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at each of them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you believe in." God asks Obama first: “What do you believe, Obama?" Obama looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I have always tried to do right by my countrymen." God sees the essential goodness in Obama, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Hillary and says, "Hillary. What do you believe?" Hillary says, "I believe that passion, discipline, courage, and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama, I believe in hard work and have always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American." God is greatly moved by Hillary's eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?" Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
facthunter Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 Then said "You're fired" ? Nev Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted August 6, 2018 Author Share Posted August 6, 2018 George was on his death bed in hospital, wife Mildred at his side. He took her by the hand and said, "I want you to make me a promise." "What is it?" she asked. "When I'm gone, I want you to marry Fred within 6 months." "I thought you hated Fred." she replied. George looked at her and said, "I do." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PA. Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 My wife tells me that sex is always better on holidays. Worst postcard I've ever received. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 I drove past a high school today. At 125 kg, I have the body of a teenager. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PA. Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 I drove past a high school today. At 125 kg, I have the body of a teenager. I have the body of a teenager, not sure where to hide it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted August 9, 2018 Author Share Posted August 9, 2018 Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.' Never heard of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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