Quickies part 2

[nomadpete]

10 hours ago, facthunter said:

Avoid Mushroom Clouds. Nev

And mushroom lunches.

[Marty_d]

I had poached eggs and fried mushrooms for lunch today. If I were Onetrack, I'd probably be in orbit right now 😆

Edited February 27 by Marty_d

[facthunter]

I don't mind Mushrooms. The insects eat them pretty Quickly. I don't eat the ones that grow here. Not game. Nev

[red750]

Paddy O’Malley, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating they suspected he wasn’t paying his employees the statutory minimum wage. They informed him an inspector would be coming to interview his staff.
On the appointed day, the inspector arrived.
“Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy.
“Well,” said Paddy, “there’s the farmhand. I pay him £240 a week, and he gets a free cottage.
Then there’s the housekeeper. She earns £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16-hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, gets a bottle of whisky, and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife.”
“That’s disgraceful!” said the inspector. “I need to interview the half-wit immediately.”
“You’re talking to him now,” said Paddy.

[red750]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[Marty_d]

By that logic he should have stopped after the first time... He got a hole in one!

[facthunter]

 A hole pile of trouble. The hole of creation.  Anyhow Tiger IS a Cheetah. Nev

[red750]

A Japanese gentleman was visiting the United States for the first time.
He’d seen America on television for years and was excited to finally experience it in person.
On the last day of his trip, he climbed into a taxi and asked the driver to take him to the airport.
As they drove along the highway, a Honda zoomed past the cab.
The man leaned toward the window, clapped his hands, and exclaimed:
“Ahh! Honda — very fast! Made in Japan!”
A few minutes later, a Toyota flew by.
Again, he leaned out excitedly and said:
“Toyota — very fast! Made in Japan!”
Soon after that, a Mitsubishi sped past them.
Once again, the man smiled proudly and shouted:
“Mitsubishi — very fast! Made in Japan!”
By now, the taxi driver was getting a little irritated… but he kept quiet and continued driving.
Finally, they arrived at the airport.
The driver stopped the car and said, “That’ll be $300.”
The Japanese gentleman’s eyes went wide.
“Three hundred dollars?! That’s very expensive!”
The taxi driver smiled and replied:
“Meter — very fast. Made in Japan.”

[red750]

Two drug dealers are given a chance by a judge to avoid prison...

The judge tells them, "You guys don't look like hardened criminals. I'll give you a deal: I'm releasing you for 24 hours. Your job is to go out and convince as many people as possible to quit using drugs. If you're successful, I'll drop the charges. Come back tomorrow and report your numbers."

The next day, the first guy says, "Your Honor, I got 14 people to quit! I drew two circles: a big one and a tiny one. I told them the big one was their brain before drugs, and the tiny one was their brain after drugs."

The judge is impressed. He turns to the second guy. "And you?"

"I got 165 people to quit, sir!"

The judge is stunned. "165?! Did you use the same 'brain' circles?"

"Sort of," the guy says. "I pointed to the tiny circle and said, 'Listen up, boys... this is what your asshole looks like before you go to prison.'"
 

[red750]

The good thing about dating a woman our age  ..........  you don't have to worry about meeting her parents.

[Marty_d]

Wouldn't her kids be scarier?

[facthunter]

Some of them might be in an old people's Home.  Nev

[nomadpete]

You know you are getting old when your kids start talking about choosing an old folk's home..... for themselves.

[red750]

Scottish Company Stuck With 10,000 Bottles of “Minge Repellent” After Catastrophic Typo
A small Scottish outdoor products company has found itself in a rather awkward situation this week after a printing error left them with 10,000 bottles of insect spray labelled “Minge Repellent” instead of “Midge Repellent.”
The product, intended to protect walkers, campers, and anyone foolish enough to stand still in the Highlands for more than three seconds from midge attacks, was due to launch this spring as “the most powerful midge repellent in Scotland.” 
Unfortunately, somewhere between the design team and the printing press, was one unfortunate letter mistakenly inserted.
The result? Shelves full of bottles claiming to repel something entirely different.

Company founder Dougie MacRae addressed the situation at a press conference yesterday,
“Look, we want to make this absolutely clear. These bottles do not repel minges. They repel midges, which are sometimes far worse in most parts of Scotland. Believe me using the spray will not have any impact on your ability to get your leg over."
MacRae explained that correcting the mistake would cost thousands in reprinting and relabelling, which for a new company could be catastrophic, so the company is now appealing directly to the Scottish public.
“Please understand,” he continued, holding up a bottle while visibly trying not to laugh, “this is still one of the best midge repellents on the market today. The spelling mistake does not affect the formula in any way.”
Early reactions online suggest the error may actually boost sales. Several outdoor shops have already reported customers pre ordering multiple bottles “for the laugh,” while one Highland camping store reportedly sold out of future orders within an hour after posting the label on social media.

 

[onetrack]

Minge repellant. It's either a send up, or someone did it on purpose. And when did "repellant" become "repellent". More Americanisms sneaking into the Queens English??