Quickies part 2

[pmccarthy]

It’s ok, we just keep out heads down.

[red750]

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bushland in northern NSW . There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big gum. As she neared the top she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
"And I'm sorry, they turned you down."

[red750]

I was thinking about joining a dating site for people my age.

 

It's called Carbon Dating.

[red750]

[red750]

Don't worry Nev, this is meant to be a joke.

 

https://teachmelife.net/an-airline-pilot-with-poor-eyesight-w/

[red750]

[red750]

Don't let my daughter see this.

 

[red750]

How do you know when you are getting old?

 

When the little old lady you help cross the road is your wife.

[facthunter]

When Old people give up their seat for You.  Nev

[Marty_d]

My wife mentioned today that her friend calls her daughter "Dodo", and said "What kind of person calls their grown daughter Dodo??"

 

Quickly I said "Maybe their ex stinks?"

 

Got a laugh, for once!

 

Edited December 6 by Marty_d

[pmccarthy]

STUCK FARMER, CUPID STUNT.

 

A British agricultural worker has been freed by emergency services after hiding in a hay baler. He said he did it to allow a friend to enjoy time in the haystack with a milkmaid. 'I am embarrassed' he said, 'but reporters should find more important things to write headlines about'.

[Marty_d]

They still have milkmaids?

[pmccarthy]

Its all in the headline.

[onetrack]

Sounds like a paragraph from an Onion skit.

[facthunter]

T A Bot Knew his Onions.  HE Was also the Minister for Women's  and Aboriginal AFFAIRS. Wonders never cease. Perhaps Looking for the Proverbial Needle or is it Just another Straw argument?  Nev

[onetrack]

It must be time for another chuckle, the current news is all bad.

 

I guess it's also a bad time to tell any jokes involving Jews and Palestinians, but here's a good religious chuckle.

 

A Biblical Story:

 

And on the third day, there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee. And it came to pass that all the wine was drunk. And the mother of the bride came to Jesus and said unto the Lord, they have no more wine. And Jesus said unto the servants: "Fill six waterpots with water." And they did so. And when the steward of the feast did taste from the water of the pots, it had become wine. And they knew not whence it had come.

 

But the servants did know, so they applauded loudly in the kitchen. And they said unto the Lord: "How the hell did you do that?" And inquired of him: "Do you do children's parties? And the Lord said: "No." But the servants did press him, saying; "Go on, give us another one!"

And so he brought forth a carrot, and said: "Behold this, for it is a carrot." And all about him knew that it was so. For it was orange, with a green top. And he did place a large red cloth over the carrot, and then removed it, and lo, he held in his hand a white rabbit. And all were amazed, and said: "This guy is really good! He should turn professional."

 

And they brought him on a stretcher, a man who was sick of the palsy. And they cried unto him: "Maestro, this man is sick of the palsy." And the Lord said: "If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher, I'd be pretty sick of the palsy, too!" And they were filled with joy, and cried out: "Lord, thy one-liners are as good as thy tricks. Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer."

 

And there came unto him a woman called Mary, who had seen the Lord and believed, and Jesus said unto her: "Put on a tutu, and lie down in this box." And then took he forth a saw, and cleft her in twain. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But Jesus said: "Oh ye of little faith!" And he threw open the box and lo, Mary was whole. And the crowd went absolutely bananas. And Jesus and Mary took a big bow. And he said unto her: "From now on you shall be known as Trixie, for that is a good name for an assistant."

 

And the people said unto him: "We've never seen anything like this. You shouldn't be wasting your time in a one camel town like Cana. You should be playing in the big arenas in Jerusalem!"

And Jesus did harken to their words. And he did go on to Jerusalem, and he did his full act before the scribes, the Jews, and the Romans.

But alas, it did not please them in their hearts. In fact, they crucified him. Here endeth the lesson. Amen.

 

By Rowan Atkinson

[Marty_d]

Love that skit. Especially when he says "for it was orange, with a green top."

Master of the facial expression.

[red750]

[red750]

Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Joe, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Joe and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Joe watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead!
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Joe shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

[facthunter]

Pity it wasn't sham rock at the Bottom. Nev

[red750]

Shortly after Gerry met his demise, Paddy also turned up at the cliff with a cardboard box. He walked to the edge of the cliff, opened the box and took out a hen, He grabbed hold of the hen's legs, and leapt off the cliff. Unfortunately, he suffered the same outcome as Gerry. Joe looked down, shook his head, and said, "Oi ain't goin' fook'n hen-glidin' neither."

 

 

 

 

 

[red750]

Here's a clever post from FB supposedly written by a US soldier, going by the photo that was attached to it.

 

I’m the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you tried to mug the other night. You pulled a knife on me and my girlfriend, demanding I hand over my jacket, and also asked for her purse and earrings. I hope you come across this message because there are a few things I want to clear up.

First off, I’m really sorry for the embarrassment you must’ve felt. I didn’t expect you to literally crap your pants when I pulled out my pistol after you took my jacket. I mean, it wasn’t that cold, and I had the jacket on for a reason. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that same night. It’s a pretty intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it?

I can only imagine how unpleasant it was walking away from me especially barefoot after I made you leave your shoes, wallet, and cell phone behind. I figured without those, you wouldn’t be able to call for backup or run to get help to mug us again.

After that, I called your mom yeah, she’s listed as “Momma” in your phone and explained the situation. Then I went to fill up my gas tank, using your credit card. I wasn’t the only one filling up, though I also took care of four other people’s tanks at the gas station, including the guy with the motor home who was super grateful after I filled up 153 gallons for him.

I ended up giving your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash from your wallet. That definitely made his day.

Oh, and I tossed your wallet into the big “pimp mobile” parked at the curb, after smashing the windshield, side window, and keying the whole driver’s side of the car. Had to make it memorable, you know?

Earlier, I made a few phone calls two to the DA’s office and one to the FBI. I mentioned President Obama as a possible target, and the FBI agent I spoke to seemed pretty serious. We had a nice, long chat (guess he was tracing your number, etc.).

Look, I should apologize for not just killing you, but honestly, I think what I did is a far more fitting punishment for your crime. You can reflect on your choices while dealing with all the issues I’ve just handed you. And remember, next time you try something like this, you might not be so lucky.
Best of luck sorting things out.