Quickies part 2

[red750]

Every school has a breaking point — and one high school in Queensland, Australia, finally hit theirs in the most spectacular way.
The staff at Maroochydore High School had grown tired of endless complaints from parents. Late homework, missing assignments, unexplained absences — and somehow, it was always the teachers’ fault. So instead of sending another politely worded newsletter (that no one would read anyway), they decided to make a bold statement.
They changed the school’s voicemail.
And let’s just say… it wasn’t your average “please leave a message after the beep.”
It all started after the school introduced a new policy: both students and parents would be held accountable for attendance and homework. Reasonable, right? But a handful of parents lost it — some even threatened to sue because their kids were failing after skipping weeks of class!
So, the staff decided to respond — with humor and brutal honesty. Here’s what callers heard when they dialed in:
📞 RIIIINNNGGG... CLICK!
“Hello! You’ve reached the automated answering service for your school. Please listen carefully to the following options:
➡️ Press 1 if you’d like to lie about why your child is absent.
➡️ Press 2 to make excuses for missing homework.
➡️ Press 3 to complain about how we do our jobs.
➡️ Press 4 if you’d like to yell or swear at our staff.
➡️ Press 5 if you missed every single newsletter and notice we sent home.
➡️ Press 6 if you expect us to raise your child for you.
➡️ Press 7 if you’re tempted to reach through the phone and slap someone.
➡️ Press 8 if this is your third request for a new teacher this year.
➡️ Press 9 to complain about bus schedules.
➡️ Press 0 to complain about cafeteria food.
📌 And finally — if you’ve realized this is the real world, where your child’s effort determines their success, and that it’s not the teacher’s fault — please hang up and have a wonderful day!
Oh, and for service in another language? Please move to a country that speaks it.
📚 Thank you for supporting public education!”
Savage. Brilliant. Honest.
Now that’s how you handle unreasonable parents with style

[facthunter]

Bagging Melbourne  all the time won't make you happy, Peter,  Nev

[red750]

Not bagging it, just saying what others are saying, and showing what it's like.

 

I've lived in Adelaide, lived in Sydney (both due to work), and came back to Melbourne. Holidayed on Gold and Sunshine Coasts, Townsville and in Tassie.  Won't be going anywhere else, even on holiday.

[Jerry_Atrick]

Both Montague Street and York street are iconic. Wouldn't have either any other way..  you can see the water under York street and the height and warnings under Montague street. Shows up human numpties..

 

 

[nomadpete]

Quickie....

 

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.

[nomadpete]

Not-so-quickie....

 

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl. After their honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage. After a few drinks, the billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 year old hottie.
“It’s simple” billionaire boasts… “I faked my age!”
“Yes, but even for a 40/45 year old guy she is sensational - what age did you tell you are?” A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds, “85 years old.”

[old man emu]

Where do dwarves get educated?

In a miniscule.

[nomadpete]

The preacher asked his congregation, How many of you have forgiven your enemies?

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time amost all responded, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" inquired the preacher, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?

"I don't have any," she replied smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three," she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you~please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived all the bitches."

[Marty_d]

A young priest was about to give his first sermon and was very nervous about forgetting what to say.

"Don't worry," said an older priest, "I'll hide behind the alter and whisper what to say!"

So the service starts and the young priest stands there tongue tied.

"Say 'Jesus made atonement for the people'!" Whispered the old priest.

"Jesus made toe ointment for the people!" Blurted the young bloke.

"Ah, you silly beggar, you've spoilt it all!" Muttered the old priest.

 

"And then the silly bugger spilled it all!" 

[nomadpete]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,"

the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says,

"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers'

license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

"I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks,

"How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,

"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

 

 

(Now, isn't this thread so much better for you than the political doom threads?)

[nomadpete]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was

looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I

want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[facthunter]

Disgusting. Nev

[red750]

[facthunter]

He should be sent to the Head Master for that. Still Disgusting. Nev

[nomadpete]

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

[Marty_d]

4 hours ago, facthunter said:

He should be sent to the Head Master for that. Still Disgusting. Nev

He'd prefer the head mistress by the sounds of it.

[Marty_d]

6 minutes ago, nomadpete said:

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

Wasn't it because she left the seat off?

[nomadpete]

10 minutes ago, Marty_d said:

Wasn't it because she left the seat off?

Now you are being coarse!

[nomadpete]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on the London Underground next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised." I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

[nomadpete]

Spoorinisms....

 

 

Some of our SMUGGLES are TRALL

And some of our BOUBLES are TRIG

But if we TRAD no HOUBLES

How could we BLECOGNIZE our RESSINGS!

[nomadpete]

Nobody liked the last one... too deep?

 

Try this on for size....

 

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medicines.

The young doctor's eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Jones, do you realize these are birth control pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"I assure you, NOTHING in these could possibly help you sleep!"

She patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. Believe you me, it helps me sleep at night."
 

[nomadpete]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

[red750]

“If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law." (Eva Gabor)

 

"Old age comes at a bad time" (Ed Sullivan)

 

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." (Stevie Wonder)

 

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do about it." (Golda Meir)

 

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. (Mark Twain)

 

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." (Phyllis Diller)

 

"Nice to be here? At my age, it’s nice to be anywhere." (George Burns)

 

"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up; then, you forget to pull your zipper down." (Rob Reiner)