Quickies part 2

[red750]

Some great one liners from Paul Lynde..

 

Peter Marshall: "Eddie Fisher recently said, 'I am sorry. I am sorry for them both.' Who was he referring to?"
Paul Lynde: "His fans."
Marshall: "According to Tony Randall, 'Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been...' what?"
Lynde: "Bitterly disappointed."
Marshall: "Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?"
Lynde: "Gee, I don't remember. The last time I saw it was when I didn't buy their cookies."
Marshall: "Paul, does Ann Landers think there is anything wrong with you if you do your housework in the nude?"
Lynde: "No, but I have to be terribly careful when I do my ironing."
Marshall: "Paul, any good sailor knows that when a man falls off a ship you yell 'Man overboard!' What should you shout if a woman falls overboard?"
Lynde: "Full speed ahead!"
Marshall: "What are 'dual-purpose cattle' good for that other cattle aren't?"
Lynde: "They give milk... and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies."
Marshall: "Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?"
Lynde: "Because chiffon wrinkles too easily."
Marshall: "According to the IRS, out of every 10 Americans audited, how many end up paying more taxes?"
Lynde: "11."
Marshall: "What's the one thing you should never do in bed?"
Lynde: "Point and laugh!"

[red750]

Earlier in this topic, there was a lot of discussion on the subject of cremation. 

 

Today, I found out about another option that I had never heard of - aquamation. It's like cremation, but using water instead of fire. It is much less polluting than cremation, but is more expensive. While an unattended cremation like we used for my wife during the Covid lockdown can be had for about $2,000, a deluxe aquamation costs close to $10,000. For more information, here is the website of the only provider in Australia - https://environmentallyfriendlycremations.com.au/

[red750]

We were taught to respect our elders.

 

Fortunately, at my age, there are fewer and fewer elders to respect.

[facthunter]

Why fortunately? Nev

[red750]

Because I'm running out of respect.

[facthunter]

I genuinely thought you Meant the Opposite. Anyhow it made me look up the Meaning of respect, so thanks.   Nev

[spacesailor]

How about a " marine funeral  " .

Feed the fish ! .

Can't be any more environmentally friendly. 

spacesailor

[facthunter]

Burn it and kill the germs and viruses, at the same time. You don't throw dead animals in  the creek that you drink from. Nev

[pmccarthy]

Instead of an urn you can end up in a croc.

[onetrack]

Turning yourself into shark shit is another favourite way of departing this planet.

[red750]

[red750]

Pro tip -  keep cake moist by eating it all in one sitting.

[Litespeed]

My funeral will be burial at sea.

 

I like the idea of a nice boat ride and feeding back to nature, not polluting it more at great expense.

 

If anyone objects to my greenie choice, it will be two been fed to the sharks.

 

Naturally you must be far out and attract some bighters. Don't want the kiddies to see body chunks on the beach.

 

Boaties and fishers call sharks the taxman. The taxman must get his fair share, he keeps the ocean governed.

 

I want to be placed on the alter of life itself, to me that's the ocean.

[red750]

[red750]

Two youmg priests were taking a holiday at the beach. They bought shorts, colourful shirts and sandals to look as far from a priest as possible. They were sitting on their beach chairs when this drop dead gorgeous topless blond walked past in a string bikini. 

 

"Good morning, Father, good morning Father", she said as she walked past. 

 

The preists couldn't believe it. They went and bought even more outlandish outfits.

 

The next morning the same young lady came by, with the same greeting.

 

One of the priests said, "Pardon me miss, but how did you know we were priests?"

 

"Easy," she replied. "I'm sister Mary."

[red750]

In the old west, cowboys attached lanterns to their saddles to help find their way home at night.

 

It was an early example of saddle light navigation.

[red750]

[facthunter]

THAT was an eyesight test wasn't it?

[red750]

Click on it to open, click again to enlarge, if you're using a laptop. If you're using a phone you probably can't read most things on it.

[red750]

A married couple are travelling, and decide to check into a hotel. After they check into their room, the husband goes down to the bar for a drink. The wife is tired from travelling so decides to take a nap. She lays on the bed and is about to doze off when an elevated train rattles past and shakes the room so violently she is thrown off the bed. She picks herself up, sits on the bed for a while, then decides to have another try to get some sleep. She is laying there for about five minutes when another train rattles past. Again she gets thrown to the floor.This time she decides to call the manager. He decides to go up to the room and check this complaint out. 

 

He walks into the room and asks the woman to describe what happened.She tells him, and he says, "I find that a bit hard to believe."

 

She says, "Well you lay down and see for yourself." So the manager lays down on the bed.

 

Just then, the husband comes in, sees the manager laying on the bed beside his wife. He exclaims. "What on earth are you doing here?"

 

The manager says, "Would you believe, I'm waiting for a train?"

[red750]

The funeral of the inventer of Tupperware has been delayed.

 

They can't find a lid that fits the coffin.

[Marty_d]

1 hour ago, red750 said:

The funeral of the inventer of Tupperware has been delayed.

 

They can't find a lid that fits the coffin.

They'll discover it behind the fridge, covered in dust, the day after they throw away the coffin.

[red750]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here: 
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

[old man emu]

Once, when I was performing my constabulary duties, I had to deal with a really obnoxious bloke. He kept yelling all sorts of abuse at me, and it was liberally sprinkled with 'F*** this and f*** that , as well call me all sorts of c***. He was clearly showing his lack of a broad vocabulary. I put up with with his language for as long as I could, but finally threw the book at him.

 

It was Roget's Thesaurus.