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The Last Day of Life

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.

The first room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress of the physical effort got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. Fortunately I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but then some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot causing me to fall again. Luckily I hit some awnings and bushes and survived but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest... "

Undercover video on TV this morning showing James Ashby asking the NRA in America for money.

"With ten million doloars we could get eight senators, get the balance of power and change Australia."

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NO SEX....SINCE 1955

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.

Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,

"It looks like you have seen a lot of action"

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,

"You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the

wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

"1955, ma'am"

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need

to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led

him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and

said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not;

it's only 2130 now."

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Maybe not quite the same, but one of the female staff who worked for me 40 odd years ago in a computer centre in Sydney, decided to put together a group on Facebook. We managed to contact and join up quite a few of the female staff, but some have gone missing. We could only locate a couple of the male staff. At least one of them had passed on.

She spends most of the day watching Sky News. Just sayin'.

My missus tells me Eggboy is a relative of David Koch.

Jerry, when you say cowtail, do you mean kowtow?

From Wiki,

Kowtow, which is borrowed from kau tau in Cantonese (ketou in Mandarin Chinese), is the act of deep respect shown by prostration, that is, kneeling and bowing so low as to have one's head touching the ground.

Medicos and Lawyers - Robbing Hoods!

And insurance companies.

My last visit I didn't have the money, and you have to pay as you leave. I mixed up the appointment date and it wasn't pension week. I said "Can I get a bill and pay it next week?" He said "I'll bulk bill this one only."

It didn't work for me. (M,B,F,)

My wife was a manager's secretary in the Commbank for a few years, so we joined CBHS (Commonwealth Bank Health Service) and remain members in retirement. Our cover is currently about $170 per month. Saved us thousands.

My oncologist charges $120 per visit, Medicare refund $64.20. Consultation is so short you could leave the engine running in the car park.

Our family has had top private health cover for years. When I got a pacemaker. I don't recall paying anything but the entrance fee ($160) for the emergency ward at the private hospital when the ambulance took me there. When I had cancer, I was in Epworth hospital for 14 days, because I got a kidney infection which caused atrial fibrillation. This was followed by 18 weeks of chemotherapy. I paid - $0.00. Just signed the form.I've heard of people having to mortgage the house. Private hospital accommodation can cost over $1000 per day.Again, when I had gout and cellulitis and could not put my foot to the floor, eight days in Knox Private -- just signed the form. Wouldn't be without private health cover. There is no charge for specialist - urologist, cardiologist, oncologist - while you are an inpatient. Different story when you visit their consulting rooms as an outpatient.

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Take any stereotypical characteristic you like, and I do not fit that characteristic. I'm the most boring person you ever came across.

Don't drink, don't smoke, don't have tattoos, haven't played sport since school, haven't been to a footy game this century, my only drugs are prescribed medications, celebate for more than 15 years. (too much information), haven't been to a cinema this century. Yes, I have attended a few concerts - Rolling Stones, Fleetwood Mac, John Fogarty, etc.

People actually called 000 because Facebook and Instagram were down. OMG!

Oops. Wrong thread above - thought I was on Quickies pt 2. My laptop has a mind of its own.