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red750

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    Quickies part 2

    in Funnies

    Posted

    A 21 year old blonde girl met a large, powerfully built bodybuilder at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.

    The body builder takes off his shirt, and while doing so, he exclaims, “Boom!”

    The blonde says, “What a great chest you have!”

    He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby!”

    He then rips off his pants, once again yelling, “Boom!”

    The blonde is impressed and says, “My, what massive calves you have!”

    The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby.”

    He then rips off his underwear, and exclaims “Boom!”

    The blonde goes running out of the apartment, screaming in fear.

    The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

    The blonde replies, “I didn’t want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!”

    • Like 1
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    Barnaby booted.

    in Politics

    Posted

    David Littleproud has been elected leader of the Nationals, while Peter Dutton has been elected leader of the Liberal Party.

     

    The head of Australia’s largest philanthropic trust Professor Glyn Davis has been named as the new head of the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet. 

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    Quickies part 2

    in Funnies

    Posted

    A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”

    The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?”

    “Pastor, I’m afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man admitted.

    “What happened?” inquired the pastor.

    “My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

    “You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.

    “That’s okay,” said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”

    • Like 1
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    Quickies part 2

    in Funnies

    Posted

    Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 p.m. news was coming on.

    The news crew was covering the story of a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a large building. The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

    Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

    The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!” Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

    Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.”

    The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
    Bob took the money.

    • Haha 4
    • Sad 1

    Current TV Shows - what do you watch?

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Firstly, TV advertising. Ask Clive Palmer how much value he got from millions of dollars spent on advertising.

     

    TV. I watch Sunrise on 7 in the morning for weather, traffic and news. Not too interested in the music or lifestyle (health and diet stuff). I like programs such as Who Do You Think You Are (depending on who is featured), Long Lost Family, Would I Lie To You, Anh Do's Brush With Fame. Sport programs don't interest me, a small grab here and there, but I don't sit and watch a full game or F1 race. Not interested in horse racing, could not be bothered with talking heads pushing their own agendas and opinions (Sky BS), and reality shows (Big Brother, Married at First Sight, The Batchelor(ette), The Voice, etc make me puke, although (wherever's) Got Talent is good. Otherwise, I watch repeats (Two and a Half Men, Golden Girls, etc.) Only watch the occasional video on Youtube, usually aviation related.

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    Quickies part 2

    in Funnies

    Posted

    There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

    “Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.

    “Oh, come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

    “This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.”

    “So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?"

    • Like 3
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    Quickies part 2

    in Funnies

    Posted

    After 35 years of marriage, a husband
    and wife came for counseling.
    When asked what the problem was, the
    wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. 
    On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
    feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.
    Finally, after allowing this for a
    sufficient length of time, the
    therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband
    watched - with a raised eyebrow. 
    The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
    The therapist turned to the husband
    and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3
    times a week. Can you do this?"
    "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday
    …………..but I go fishing on Fridays."

    • Haha 3

    Quickies part 2

    in Funnies

    Posted

    My youngest brother, who retired from Victoria Police as a Detective Superintendent once said

    'I could tell you what I do but I'd have to kill you". He worked in the drug squad, was a leader in Homicide and won an AO for his work in victim identification after the Bali bombing, and Aceh after the tsunami. His Homicide team captured the murderer Peter Dupas.

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