Quickies part 2

[red750]

Question - who picks up guide dog shit?

[facthunter]

The owner on his shoes.  Nev

[red750]

The co-ordinator at my Men's Shed previously worked for  Guide Dogs Victoria, so I put that question to him today. He said in the training for people getting a guide dog, they are trained to pat the dog on the back if it stops. If the back is arched, they know the dog is taking a dump, so they can get out their plastic bag or rubber gloves and feel around for the product. 

[red750]

This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment.
“Dude,” he told a friend, “I’ve tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back.”

“I had the same thing man,” his friend says. “All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes.”

“That’s it?” the guy asked. “I’ll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents.”

About a week later the guy gets a call.

“How’s it going with the mice, buddy?”

“Not so good, dude.”

“What’s the problem?” his friend asks.

“To be honest, I’m having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart.”

[Jerry_Atrick]

[red750]

A guy goes into a pub and slumps at the bar.

 

"What will you have?" asks the barman.

 

"Just give me a beer." said the man.

 

The barman asks. "Why are you so down tonight?"

 

The man replied, "My wife and I had an argument, and she said she wouldn't speak to me for a month."

 

"What's wrong with that?" asked the barman.

 

"The month is up tonight." repied the man.

[red750]

A mother found the pewrfect way to make her 7 year old behave in church. Halfway through a boring sermon, the kid began getting fidgety. The mother leaned over and whispered, "Behave yourself or the pastor will lose his place and have to start over." The kid snapped into line immediately.

[facthunter]

 Was "Pewrfect" intended?  Nev

[red750]

No, I didn't proofread. Was meant to be "perfect". Lucky Freudian slip.

[spacesailor]

" pewrfect " .

It got my attention. 

spacesailor

[facthunter]

I had one CAT that was PURRfect. It used to catch fish in shallow water. Nev

[Jerry_Atrick]

There's a line there, but even I'll refrain from using it..

[facthunter]

Yes I know it wasn't DEEP and Meaning full  and the Cat didn't use a LINE either.  IT was one Helluva good Cat.  Nev

[pmccarthy]

Did you ever grab it?

[facthunter]

The Cat took it as a "catfish" and  did PAWS IT for a while .Yeah I know THAT story has whiskers on it. Nev

[red750]

I got a new phone.

 

My daughter said, "Get your contacts and I'll put them in for you."

 

I said, "I don't wear contacts. I wear glasses."

 

 

[facthunter]

Do you have a Picture of  HER response?   Nev

[red750]

Before I was married I would sit at the traffic lights for hours because I had no-one to tell me the lights had changed.

[facthunter]

The SAME ones are probably STILL there. Nev

[red750]

A postman goes out on his daily delivery round. He comes across a house with a pile of beer bottles and wine bottles near the door.

 

Just then, the household comes out. The postie says, "Hi Bob, looks like you had a good night last night."

 

Bob says, "It was a few nights ago, and I'm recovering."

 

The postie says, "It must have been quite a turn."

 

Bob says, "There were about a dozen couples here. We got so drunk, we ended up playing Who Am I."

 

The postie says, "I'm not familiar with that game."

 

Bob says, "The men all go into another room and get undressed. Then they come out covered by a sheet, with only their manhood showing through a hole in the sheet. The women have to guess who it is."

 

The postie says, "It sounds pretty wild. Sorry I missed it."

 

Bob says, " You'd better keep a low profile for a week or so. Your name was mentioned seven times."

[red750]

I was going to tell a time travel joke, but you guys didn't liike it.

[red750]

[facthunter]

You're hard on Blonds.   I'm a gentleman and THEY Prefer them. My wife is one.  Nev

[red750]

If you put a potato in the microwave and press Pizza, it's stilla potato when it's done.

 

Same with sex change.

[red750]

My sex life is like a Ferrari.

 

I don't have a Ferrari.