Quickies part 2

[pmccarthy]

It’s ok, we just keep out heads down.

[red750]

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bushland in northern NSW . There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big gum. As she neared the top she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
"And I'm sorry, they turned you down."

[red750]

I was thinking about joining a dating site for people my age.

 

It's called Carbon Dating.

[red750]

[red750]

Don't worry Nev, this is meant to be a joke.

 

https://teachmelife.net/an-airline-pilot-with-poor-eyesight-w/

[red750]

[red750]

Don't let my daughter see this.

 

[red750]

How do you know when you are getting old?

 

When the little old lady you help cross the road is your wife.

[facthunter]

When Old people give up their seat for You.  Nev

[Marty_d]

My wife mentioned today that her friend calls her daughter "Dodo", and said "What kind of person calls their grown daughter Dodo??"

 

Quickly I said "Maybe their ex stinks?"

 

Got a laugh, for once!

 

Edited December 6 by Marty_d

[pmccarthy]

STUCK FARMER, CUPID STUNT.

 

A British agricultural worker has been freed by emergency services after hiding in a hay baler. He said he did it to allow a friend to enjoy time in the haystack with a milkmaid. 'I am embarrassed' he said, 'but reporters should find more important things to write headlines about'.

[Marty_d]

They still have milkmaids?

[pmccarthy]

Its all in the headline.

[onetrack]

Sounds like a paragraph from an Onion skit.

[facthunter]

T A Bot Knew his Onions.  HE Was also the Minister for Women's  and Aboriginal AFFAIRS. Wonders never cease. Perhaps Looking for the Proverbial Needle or is it Just another Straw argument?  Nev

[onetrack]

It must be time for another chuckle, the current news is all bad.

 

I guess it's also a bad time to tell any jokes involving Jews and Palestinians, but here's a good religious chuckle.

 

A Biblical Story:

 

And on the third day, there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee. And it came to pass that all the wine was drunk. And the mother of the bride came to Jesus and said unto the Lord, they have no more wine. And Jesus said unto the servants: "Fill six waterpots with water." And they did so. And when the steward of the feast did taste from the water of the pots, it had become wine. And they knew not whence it had come.

 

But the servants did know, so they applauded loudly in the kitchen. And they said unto the Lord: "How the hell did you do that?" And inquired of him: "Do you do children's parties? And the Lord said: "No." But the servants did press him, saying; "Go on, give us another one!"

And so he brought forth a carrot, and said: "Behold this, for it is a carrot." And all about him knew that it was so. For it was orange, with a green top. And he did place a large red cloth over the carrot, and then removed it, and lo, he held in his hand a white rabbit. And all were amazed, and said: "This guy is really good! He should turn professional."

 

And they brought him on a stretcher, a man who was sick of the palsy. And they cried unto him: "Maestro, this man is sick of the palsy." And the Lord said: "If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher, I'd be pretty sick of the palsy, too!" And they were filled with joy, and cried out: "Lord, thy one-liners are as good as thy tricks. Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer."

 

And there came unto him a woman called Mary, who had seen the Lord and believed, and Jesus said unto her: "Put on a tutu, and lie down in this box." And then took he forth a saw, and cleft her in twain. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But Jesus said: "Oh ye of little faith!" And he threw open the box and lo, Mary was whole. And the crowd went absolutely bananas. And Jesus and Mary took a big bow. And he said unto her: "From now on you shall be known as Trixie, for that is a good name for an assistant."

 

And the people said unto him: "We've never seen anything like this. You shouldn't be wasting your time in a one camel town like Cana. You should be playing in the big arenas in Jerusalem!"

And Jesus did harken to their words. And he did go on to Jerusalem, and he did his full act before the scribes, the Jews, and the Romans.

But alas, it did not please them in their hearts. In fact, they crucified him. Here endeth the lesson. Amen.

 

By Rowan Atkinson

[Marty_d]

Love that skit. Especially when he says "for it was orange, with a green top."

Master of the facial expression.