Quickies part 2

[red750]

[red750]

Here's one for the nerds.

 

A pig without 3.14 is 9.81

[old man emu]

2 hours ago, red750 said:

Here's one for the nerds.

 

A pig without 3.14 is 9.81

That could be turned into a good cryptic crossward clue: What is 3.14 + 9.81?

[facthunter]

RU/18?   nev

[old man emu]

That's only part of the equation.

 

{b4 i (sqrt U)} RU/18

[facthunter]

0 E.  Nev

[Marty_d]

43 minutes ago, old man emu said:

That's only part of the equation.

 

{b4 i (sqrt U)} RU/18

Is that like square dance, only horizontal?

[old man emu]

The joke reads better if one uses the American term they use for sqrt - "root".

[pmccarthy]

0410E

[facthunter]

I thought ORAL sex was Just talking ABOUT IT.   Nev

[Jerry_Atrick]

It's about the safest sex these days 

Edited October 3 by Jerry_Atrick

[facthunter]

Not my area of great expertise as I've lived a very sheltered Life but it's said doing it with yourself you don't have to dress up and you are dealing with a Better class of person. Nev

[Jerry_Atrick]

I try to dress down when doing it with others, too.. They may not be so receptive, though 

[pmccarthy]

Dress up, but panties down. 

[red750]

Q: Why are boobs like Lego?

 

A: They are meant for kids, but men enjoy playing with them.

[red750]

[red750]

He's like a slinkie. No use to anyone, but brings a smile to the face when you push him down the stairs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[red750]

[facthunter]

You Wuz robbed. They shouldn't be able to "Get away" with that. EVEN GET AWAY cars come with drivers.. Nev

[red750]

Baldwin has to be good. It's the opposite of hairloss.

[red750]

 

And don't worry about old age - it doesn't last long.

 

[facthunter]

DEATH is a CONDITION or STATE . Not a CAUSE . When you die, you die of  SOMETHING. Good Health is a condition also not judged only by Lifespan.  Nev

[red750]

Don't laugh too hard, you'll wet yourself.

 

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:

1 Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: “There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

[red750]

Spare a thought for poor old Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman nodded and said, "That will be £3 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £4 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up.

He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £4. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £2."

"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £4."

O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."

O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."

"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".

"I will never use this bar again".

"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £3."
Have a good weekend.

[red750]

Nothing looks so stupid as a guy in a suit standing by himself on a street corner, talking on a phone held to his ear, making hand signal with the other hand as if the person on the other end can see him.