Quickies part 2

[spacesailor]

That's a great ' gut buster ' joke . 

spacesailor

[facthunter]

Even Just watching might be too much for some.. I'd probably say "What's a nice Girl like You, doing in a Place like this?  Nev

[red750]

I've walked the walk,

and talked the talk.

From now on,

I'll sit the sit.

[red750]

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise housewarming.

 

Now I'm homeless.

[red750]

Two guys chatting in the pub.

 

"How's your new girlfriend?"

 

"She said she wants to walk down the aisle."

 

"What did you do?"

 

"I took her to the supermarket."

[red750]

A woman in her 70's wanted to join a motorcycle club. She walked up to the door and knocked loudly.

 

A big hairy biker with lots of tattoos opened the door. She said, "I'd like to join the club."

 

The biker looked at this elderly lady and said, "Do you have a bike?"

 

She turned and pointed to a black Harley with flame decals on it. The biker looked impressed,

 

He asked, "Do you drink?" She said, "I could drink you lot under the table."

 

"How about smoking?"  "Two packets a day, and three joints in the evening."

 

The biker nodded approvingly.

 

"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" he asked.

 

"No." she replied, "But I have been swung around by the nipples a couple of times."

 

He stood aside and invited her in.

[facthunter]

Goodies are better than Quickies. Nev

[red750]

If a robot (autopilot ) can fly an aircraft, why can't a robot tick a box that says "I am not a robot?"

[red750]

A man went to a wizard and said, "Can you take off a curse that was placed on my marriage years ago?"

 

The wizard replied, "I can if you can remember the exact words of the curse."

 

The man said, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[red750]

So I was at the store earlier today with my service dog.

The woman in front of me at checkout had a mountain of toilet paper—easily $200 worth—crammed into her cart. She looked back at me with this holier-than-thou expression and asked, “What kind of dog is that?”

I smiled and said, “He’s my service dog.”

With a roll of her eyes and a huff, she snapped, “I know that. What kind of service?”

By this point, my dog had trotted over and was happily licking her hands and trying to nuzzle her face.

I looked her dead in the eye and said, “He’s a BLD.”

She blinked. “A BLD? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“B*tt Licking Dog,” I replied.

She recoiled. “B*tt Licking Dog?!”

I nodded. “Yep. Trained to clean me up—because it’s hard to find toilet paper these days, thanks to hoarders.”

The cashier? She absolutely lost it—tears streaming, doubled over, laughing.

[red750]

[old man emu]

Is a dendochronology lab a tree-ring circus?

[facthunter]

Only when the staff are CLOWNS. Nev

[pmccarthy]

Its just another dating service.

[facthunter]

Lots of good information from that  source.  The tree thing I mean.. Nev

[onetrack]

I bought a Thesaurus today - but when I got home, I found all the pages were blank!!

 

I just didn't have the words to express how angry I was!!

[facthunter]

Then you didn't GET a Thesaurus. The word you need is RAGE and being a Pilot, you can fly into one, easier than ordinary mortals.  Nev

[red750]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish and several
other languages, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine
or feminine.

 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'


 

So, asked a student, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked
to give four reasons for its  recommendation.


 

The men's group decided that 'computer' should  definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.



2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.



3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval.



4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your pay check on accessories for it.



 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
( 'el computador'), because:

 

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

  

2. They have a lot of data, but still can't think for themselves...



3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
 ARE the problem. 



4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



 

The women won.

[onetrack]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"

The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and who never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He suddenly realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled 'Bang Bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out, and the beaver fell dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old replied, "Logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

Edited Monday at 01:45 PM by onetrack

[red750]

Try telling "Out of sight, out of mind" to someone who has just had a snake disappear in their house.