Quickies part 2

[red750]

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Getting There: 
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. 
The Hotel: 
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. 
The Restaurant: 
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. 
Your Room: 
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. 
Bed: 
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. 
Above All: 
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

[red750]

I went to an antique auction yesterday.

 

Three people bid on me.

[red750]

One Sunday morning, a little boy arrived late to Sunday school. His teacher, noticing his rare tardiness, asked gently, “Is everything okay?”

 

“Yes, ma’am,” the boy replied. “I was going to go fishing, but my dad said I needed to come to church instead.”

 

Impressed by the boy’s dedication, the teacher smiled and asked, “Did your father explain why going to church was more important than fishing?”

 

The boy nodded sincerely.

“Yes, ma’am. He said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

[red750]

This was presented as a joke on FB, but I bet there's more than a hint of truth to it, knowing American education.

 

Billy comes home from school very upset that he got zero for geography.

 

His mother says, "What was the question?"

 

Billy says, "Where is Portugal?"

 

His mother says "It can't be too far away." and gets out a map of the suburb. 

 

After looking all over the map, and not finding Portugal, she gets a map of the region. After the same result, she looks at a map of the state Still no Portugal.

 

She says, "I'm going down to speak to that teacher. There is no Portugal anywhere. Our maid comes from Portugal and she rides here every day on her bike."

[nomadpete]

Informative.......

Because that is the expected USA awareness of the real world

[red750]

[facthunter]

Lawyers charge by the time. Nev