Quickies part 2

[red750]

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Getting There: 
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. 
The Hotel: 
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. 
The Restaurant: 
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. 
Your Room: 
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. 
Bed: 
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. 
Above All: 
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

[red750]

I went to an antique auction yesterday.

 

Three people bid on me.

[red750]

One Sunday morning, a little boy arrived late to Sunday school. His teacher, noticing his rare tardiness, asked gently, “Is everything okay?”

 

“Yes, ma’am,” the boy replied. “I was going to go fishing, but my dad said I needed to come to church instead.”

 

Impressed by the boy’s dedication, the teacher smiled and asked, “Did your father explain why going to church was more important than fishing?”

 

The boy nodded sincerely.

“Yes, ma’am. He said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

[red750]

This was presented as a joke on FB, but I bet there's more than a hint of truth to it, knowing American education.

 

Billy comes home from school very upset that he got zero for geography.

 

His mother says, "What was the question?"

 

Billy says, "Where is Portugal?"

 

His mother says "It can't be too far away." and gets out a map of the suburb. 

 

After looking all over the map, and not finding Portugal, she gets a map of the region. After the same result, she looks at a map of the state Still no Portugal.

 

She says, "I'm going down to speak to that teacher. There is no Portugal anywhere. Our maid comes from Portugal and she rides here every day on her bike."

[nomadpete]

Informative.......

Because that is the expected USA awareness of the real world

[red750]

[facthunter]

Lawyers charge by the time. Nev

[red750]

[red750]

Interesting fact:

 

A shark will only attack you if you are wet.

[Jerry_Atrick]

Does that mean you can avoid a shark attack if you wear a dry suit?

[red750]

Julie Andrews Turning 89 - this is hysterical!
To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!! )
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad

 

 

 

[red750]

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has a limit.

[spacesailor]

well ! .

That really hits the the 'top ten ' of ,

age aches . LoL

spacesailor

[red750]

A couple having marital problems went to see their pastor. He said "You'll have to get a divorce and split eveything equally."

 

The wife said, "The $4,000 I've skrimped to save?"

 

:Yes," said the pastor "$2,000 each."

 

"What about the furniture I bought?" asked the wife.

 

"You'll have to share that equally, too." said the pastor.

 

"What about our 3 children, how do we split them between us?"

 

The pastor thought for s couple of minutes, then said, "Keep living together until you have a fourth child, then you get two each."

 

The wife said. "That would never work. We wouldn't have these three if I had relied on him."|

 

 

[red750]

I got a text from my brother to say he saw a report that the Donald Trump library had burnt down, and both books had been destroyed. In an unfortunate twist, Donald had not finished colouring in the second one.

[old man emu]

I bet when he was colouring-in he strayed outside the lines.

[facthunter]

Yes, if how his face colour is applied would indicate.  He is well known for crossing the Lines. Nev

[facthunter]

OME, are you getting any rain?  Nev

[old man emu]

49 minutes ago, facthunter said:

OME, are you getting any rain?  Nev

Very light. Lucky to get 5mm. Not enough to make puddles or start flowing. However, better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick. The cloud is breaking up and any wind is coming from the WNW. 60 kms away at Dubbo Airport the wind is still SSE and it is raining. Dubbo is in a different rain pattern area. It is in the Macquarie River catchment and Gilgandra is in the Castlereagh catchment. The border between the two is about 30 kms south of Gilgandra.

[facthunter]

Cancelling the Jetstar trip tomorrow. Can't get to the Airport at Newcastle. Nev

[onetrack]

You obviously picked the wrong place to visit at the wrong time.

[facthunter]

I'm not called the rainmaker for nothing.   Nev

[onetrack]

You might've got lucky twice. Two JS flights cancelled, apparently due to GPS upsets caused by the current strong solar flares. It's interesting how only the Airbuses were affected.

 

https://www.watoday.com.au/business/companies/jetstar-flights-cancelled-delayed-as-gps-navigation-disrupted-20250522-p5m1iy.html

[red750]

I don't know what HD is, but the doctor says I have 80 of them.

[red750]