Quickies part 2

[red750]

What is the difference between a politician and a hooker?

 

A hooker stops screwing you when the money runs out.

[nomadpete]

An American strikes up a conversation with a Russian tourist.... .

 

A: "What brings you here?"

 

R: "I come to America to study propaganda!"

 

A: "What propaganda?"

 

R: "Exactly!"

[red750]

J. D. Vance has the charisma of a parking meter.

[nomadpete]

Two guys at the bar. One says: "you won't believe me, but I can bite my right eye. One beer if you loose the bet? "

They shake hands or whatever you do in that part of the world to seal a bet and then our guy takes out his right (glass) eye and bites in it.

One beer later our guy says "you won't believe me,I but I can bite in my left eye as well."

They confirm the bet. Our guy takes out his dentures and bites in his left eye.

One beer later our guy says "you won't believe me , but I can piss in your right trouser pocket and you don't get wet".

Well, the bet is confirmed, our guy takes out his noodle and pisses in the right pocket of his betting partners trousers.

"Fuck, my trousers are all wet!"

(giggling) "Sorry, sometimes I lose a bet...."

[facthunter]

Happens at the football too I believe. I reckon you are Pulling our legs. Pissing in someone's pocket is Considered to Be Flattering them. Nev

[red750]

In DEBT, the B is silent.

 

In KNIFE, the K is silent.

 

In MARRIAGE, the HUSBAND is silent.

[pmccarthy]

In a swimming pool, the P is silent.

Edited Wednesday at 05:45 AM by pmccarthy

[red750]

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1026973353294650

[red750]

I tried eating snails once, but they made me sluggish.

[facthunter]

Like a Nissan S cargo? Nev

[red750]

Little Johnny was playing in the schoolyard when he got a splinter in his hand. He went to the teacher and said, " Miss, I need some cider."

 

The teacher said, "Why do yo need cider?"

 

Johnny said, "I got a splinter in my hand."

 

The teacher said, "What's that got to do with cider?
 

Little Johnny said, "I heard Mum say when she gets a prick in her hand she puts it in cider."

[Marty_d]

Probably "Dickens" brand. Popular cider among women, apparently.

[nomadpete]

Maybe not intended as a joke (you can never tell), but considering the words on a bronze plaque at the base of the Statue of Librrty,  this is at least laughable.

 

 

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

 

[old man emu]

Vance sounds like he is endorsing eugenics.

[nomadpete]

You probably heard this one B4

 

"Dear algebra, stop asking me to find your X.

 

She's never coming back.

 

And don't bother about asking  4 Y."

Edited 13 hours ago by nomadpete

[nomadpete]

"I'm quick with mathematics."

 

"OK, What is 73 x 39?"

 

"24 !"

 

"Not even close!"

 

"I did say 'quick'."

[nomadpete]

One of my pet peeves. What cruel b uses the smallest unreadable font on the bottle to give me the only information I need?

[Marty_d]

It's deliberate, Peter.

If you accidentally used the conditioner first, then you'll use it again after the shampoo, so you've used double the amount and you'll buy the next bottle quicker.

Vive les profits!

[facthunter]

Have a system. Put them each in a different Place.  Nev

[old man emu]

Better still, do not use any detergents on your hair at all. Sounds completely unhygenic, but all you really need to do to keep your hair and scalp clean is to wash it regularly in clean water. If you decisde to go shampooless, it will take about four to six weeks of regular washing with water before your hair (those who have it!) will be kept in good condition from the oils that shampooing has previously removed. Also, stopping the use of shampoos is most likely to prevent the skin of your scalp from drying which is what dandruff is. Your hair will be softer because it is not being stuck together by the goop in conditioner.

 

. 

[Marty_d]

4 hours ago, facthunter said:

Have a system. Put them each in a different Place.  Nev

When you have teenagers in the house, nothing stays in its place.

Gave my hair a dose of body wash the other day because some eedjit put it in the conditioner spot.

Edited 5 hours ago by Marty_d

[rgmwa]

I've never seen the point of using conditioner. The main reason you need shampoo is to get rid of the conditioner you didn't need the day before.

[facthunter]

I think it's easier on your scalp than strong detergent. Unless you work Under trucks dripping black oil you should just use water. Most people's skin gets dry and thinner.  I got Brandy soda and detergent once in a Restaurant near Kew Junction. They'd put it in a Lime Bottle . Nev

[nomadpete]

4 hours ago, old man emu said:

Better still, do not use any detergents on your hair at all.

Believe it or not, my wife's hardresser used to tell us - all you need to wash your hair is sunlighr soap. Just make sure you rinse thoroughly.

She was happy to sell her shampoo & conditioner if you wanted it. Just didn't like the petro based detergents used in shampoo.

[nomadpete]

3 hours ago, Marty_d said:

Gave my hair a dose of body wash the other day because some eedjit put it in the conditioner spot

Yeah, and I squeezed my wife's Nair on my toothbrush because she put the tube next to the toothbrushes.

Now I wear my reading glasses in the bathroom.