Quickies part 2

[facthunter]

OME. It depends where the harmonica goes.  Nev

[old man emu]

'Twas on the good ship Venus,
By Christ you should have seen us,

 

The first mate's name was Carter
By gad he was a farter!
When the wind wouldn't blow
And the ship wouldn't go
They'd get Carter the farter to start her.

 

However, the lyrics exist in numerous variations.  The line I know, and which refers to my ealier post finishes the Carter verse as

 

The first mate's name was Carter
By gad he was a farter!

From the hole in his ring

He'd play God save the king

And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

[nomadpete]

4 hours ago, old man emu said:

He'd play God save the king

And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata

Aahhhh, that were surely the toffs version!

[Marty_d]

'Twas on the good ship Venus,

By christ you should have seen us,

The figurehead was a whore in bed 

Sucking on the captain's...

 

I forget the rest.  Good song though.

[nomadpete]

Quit it youse guys.

There's lots of bawdy ditties out there but they are not suitable for the forum.

[Jerry_Atrick]

Is someone still trying to fill in the gap?

 

 

[red750]

A guy hears a noise outside at his shed. He looks out the window and sees a burglar trying to break into the shed. He quickly calls 000 and explains the situation. The operator says "Sorry sir, we have no resources to send."  

 

The guy looks out again, and says, "You have to come. He's stealing my mower."

 

The operator again says," I told you sir, we have no resources to send."

 

Then the guy says, "Oh, don't worry about it, I just shot the twat. He's dead on the lawn.'

 

Within five minutes, there were two helicopters, six police cars and fourteen police swarming around his house.

 

There was no body on the lawn.

 

The police said, "Sir, you lied to us. You didn't shoot anyone."

 

The guy said, "You started it by saying you had no resources."

 

 

[Marty_d]

Trump goes to his doctor and takes off his hat to reveal a huge toad on the top of his head. “When did you notice that?” asked the doctor. And the toad answers: “It began as a boil on my ass.”

[red750]

What's the diffeence between in-laws and outlaws?

 

Outlaws are wanted.

[red750]

My boss died. I went to his funeral.

 

I kneeled down beside the coffin and whispered, "Guess who's thinking outside the box now?"

[nomadpete]

A man went to his doctor, and the doctor checked him over before commenting, "It looks like you get a lot of exercise."

The man replied, "Oh yes! In fact, just the other day I walked 5 miles over rugged terrain. I climbed over rocks and trees. I waded along the edges of a lake, pushing my way through tall thistles, and even slid down sandy slopes, getting sand in my eyes."

The doctor was quite impressed. "Well, you sure are a dedicated outdoorsman."

The man replied, "No doctor. I'm just really bad at golf."

[nomadpete]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic, considering all the bars it frequents, to which the horse replies, "I don't think I am." POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when any philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of cogito ergo sum, or roughly, "I think, therefore I am."

But to explain that concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

[nomadpete]

A belly button is basically a scar from when you got into a knife fight with a guy in a mask after being evicted from your first place.

[red750]

[red750]

[red750]

What's the difference between a toilet and a waitress?

 

A toilet only has to deal with one a**hole at a time.

[nomadpete]

What I if told you,

You the read first line wrong?

Same the with second line,

And also the third...

[nomadpete]

I bet they call it 'Almond Milk', because nobody can say "Nut Juice" with a straight face.

[Marty_d]

Good thing they don't have almond cream then...

[ClintonB]

I call my wife’s chai latte “Squirrel nut juice” bloody stuff is terrible.

she does not like that name. Her cousins looked at me strange when I got to their place and explained the mess on my shirt as nut juice. Her over full cup had splattered all over me in the car whilst holding it.

 

[nomadpete]

1 hour ago, ClintonB said:

I call my wife’s chai latte “Squirrel nut juice” bloody stuff is terrible.

she does not like that name. Her cousins looked at me strange when I got to their place and explained the mess on my shirt as nut juice. Her over full cup had splattered all over me in the car whilst holding it.

 

Did they think you just had a happy end to your car trip?

Lucky you!

[Marty_d]

3 hours ago, ClintonB said:

I call my wife’s chai latte “Squirrel nut juice” bloody stuff is terrible.

she does not like that name. Her cousins looked at me strange when I got to their place and explained the mess on my shirt as nut juice. Her over full cup had splattered all over me in the car whilst holding it.

 

Suuuure.

[red750]

 One winter's evening we found an straggly cat at our door. 
She was a sorry sight indeed.  
Starving and dirty, she smelled terribly and all her fur all matted in lumps. 
We felt so sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took 
her to the vet. 

We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'



 

 The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.  
He said he would let us know 
when we could come and get her.

 My husband (the complainer) said, 
'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' 
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.



 

My husband and my Vet have never seen eye to eye.  The vet calls my husband 
'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
 
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my 
husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
 


 

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, 
who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

 The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the 
doctor.  
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously
seen my husband arrive.



 

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,

'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.  We washed and shaved it, and
now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.
  God only knows who the father is!'   
Then he closed the door.