Quickies part 2

[facthunter]

People walking straight into a Post while on the Phone is more stupid. It's funny though, Post Humorously. Nev

[spacesailor]

face talk ,

You have to put that phone into a ' selfie-stick ' .Then you look more stupid. LoL

spacesailor

[red750]

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25-year-old woman.
Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night, they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.
Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes, there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling, which is again successful. The octogenarian once again bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and, after a few more minutes, is close to sleep. But for the third time, there is a knock at the door and there he is again -- fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more. Again they ravish one another.
As they're basking in the afterglow, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover, Morris."
Morris, looking quite confused, turns to her and asks, "You mean I was here already?"

[facthunter]

I GOT it.  Nev

[red750]

Here's another oldie.

 

A man was walking down the street when he saw a beggar sitting in a doorway, begging for money for a meal.

 

The man said, "If I give you $20, will you spend it on alcohol?"

 

The beggar replied, "No, I gave up drinking 18 years ago."

 

The man said, "If I give you $25, will you spend it on fishing?"

 

The beggar replied, "No, I sold my boat and fishing gear 15 years ago."

 

The man said, "OK, come home with me and my wife will cook you a nice homecooked meal, and I'll still give you the $25."

 

The beggar asked, "Won't your wife be angry?"

 

The man replied, "Maybe, but I just want her to see what a man looks like when he gives up drinking and fishing."

 

[red750]

Paddy was visiting Mick's house where they were playing cards and enjoying a few drinks. When Paddy went to leave, they noticed it was pouring with rain.

 

Mick said to Paddy, "Stay here for the night, I'll go and make up a bed." Then he headed upstairs.

 

When he came back down, Paddy was standing there soaked to the skin.

 

"What happened?" asked Mick.

 

Paddy replied, "I went home for my pyjamas."

 

 

 

[red750]

[Marty_d]

What did female candidates do?

[red750]

A guy is being interviewed for a job.

 

Interviewer:   Do you have any allergies?

 

Applicant:     Caffeine.

 

Interviewer:   Have you ever worked in public service?

 

Applicant:     I was in the military, I did two tours in Iraq.

 

Interviewer:  Very good. That gives you a lot of points. Do you have any disabilities?

 

Applicant:    A bomb went off close to me and I lost both testicles.

 

Interviewer (winces):   Wow! That gives you enough points for me to hire you straight away. Our hours at 8: am to 400 pm. You can start at 10:00 am tomorrow and every other day.

 

Applicant:    How come 10:00 am? I don't want any special privileges.  

 

Interviewer.   Remember, this is a council job. We spend the first two hours standing around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There is no need for you to be here for that.

[facthunter]

Trump is giving a lot of attention to His New Ballroom, I don't reckon he'd need much.  Nev

[red750]

[nomadpete]

 

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

The whole aim of modern politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

And it makes it even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

[nomadpete]

Religion:-

Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Catholics drink on the front porch, baptists drink on the back porch.

 

We believe life begins at conception,” says the panel’s Catholic priest.

“We believe life begins at birth,” says the liberal Protestant.

“We believe that life begins when the kids are out of the house and the dog dies,” says the rabbi.

 

[red750]

[red750]

[facthunter]

That's pretty if FEE.  Nev

[red750]

When I met an attractive 58 year old woman at a bar last night I thought she was very sexy looking so I also thought to myself if she has a daughter she wouldn't look too bad either. We had a few drinks together.Then she asked me if I'd ever had a thing called a Ploughman's Double? "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she replied. I was really thinking this could be my lucky night so we drank a little more. Then we went back to her place. When we got in the front door I couldn't contain my excitement and then she shouts up stairs, "Mother, are you still awake?"

[Marty_d]

Well, go on Peter, you can't stop the story there!

[red750]

Copy and paste. That's all there was. Expected the daughter, got the mother. Joke Joyce.

[Marty_d]

So was mine 😂 

[nomadpete]

[nomadpete]

[facthunter]

WHAT else do you expect?  You are NOT SANE at that time. Nev

[nomadpete]

I dug this one up from back in 2004. You can change the names but the message still applies today.....

 

"President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to upset next, when his telephone rang...

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey? I am
callin' to tells ya dat weare officially declaring war on you ey!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself,
me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from
the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

 

 

 

Edited 20 hours ago by nomadpete
Spillin correkshuns

[red750]

I saw a meme today of classic bridges around the world.

 

San Fancisco  -  Golden Gate Bridge.

London            -  Tower Bridge.

Sydney            -  Harbour Bridge.

Melbourne      -  Montague Street Bridge - with a truck jammed under it.

 

 

Another Melbourne Classic is the York St underpass under the railway line that becomes a swimming pool when it rains.