Quickies part 2

[facthunter]

People walking straight into a Post while on the Phone is more stupid. It's funny though, Post Humorously. Nev

[spacesailor]

face talk ,

You have to put that phone into a ' selfie-stick ' .Then you look more stupid. LoL

spacesailor

[red750]

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25-year-old woman.
Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night, they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.
Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes, there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling, which is again successful. The octogenarian once again bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and, after a few more minutes, is close to sleep. But for the third time, there is a knock at the door and there he is again -- fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more. Again they ravish one another.
As they're basking in the afterglow, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover, Morris."
Morris, looking quite confused, turns to her and asks, "You mean I was here already?"

[facthunter]

I GOT it.  Nev

[red750]

Here's another oldie.

 

A man was walking down the street when he saw a beggar sitting in a doorway, begging for money for a meal.

 

The man said, "If I give you $20, will you spend it on alcohol?"

 

The beggar replied, "No, I gave up drinking 18 years ago."

 

The man said, "If I give you $25, will you spend it on fishing?"

 

The beggar replied, "No, I sold my boat and fishing gear 15 years ago."

 

The man said, "OK, come home with me and my wife will cook you a nice homecooked meal, and I'll still give you the $25."

 

The beggar asked, "Won't your wife be angry?"

 

The man replied, "Maybe, but I just want her to see what a man looks like when he gives up drinking and fishing."

 

[red750]

Paddy was visiting Mick's house where they were playing cards and enjoying a few drinks. When Paddy went to leave, they noticed it was pouring with rain.

 

Mick said to Paddy, "Stay here for the night, I'll go and make up a bed." Then he headed upstairs.

 

When he came back down, Paddy was standing there soaked to the skin.

 

"What happened?" asked Mick.

 

Paddy replied, "I went home for my pyjamas."

 

 

 

[red750]

[Marty_d]

What did female candidates do?

[red750]

A guy is being interviewed for a job.

 

Interviewer:   Do you have any allergies?

 

Applicant:     Caffeine.

 

Interviewer:   Have you ever worked in public service?

 

Applicant:     I was in the military, I did two tours in Iraq.

 

Interviewer:  Very good. That gives you a lot of points. Do you have any disabilities?

 

Applicant:    A bomb went off close to me and I lost both testicles.

 

Interviewer (winces):   Wow! That gives you enough points for me to hire you straight away. Our hours at 8: am to 400 pm. You can start at 10:00 am tomorrow and every other day.

 

Applicant:    How come 10:00 am? I don't want any special privileges.  

 

Interviewer.   Remember, this is a council job. We spend the first two hours standing around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There is no need for you to be here for that.

[facthunter]

Trump is giving a lot of attention to His New Ballroom, I don't reckon he'd need much.  Nev

[red750]

[nomadpete]

 

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

The whole aim of modern politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

And it makes it even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

[nomadpete]

Religion:-

Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Catholics drink on the front porch, baptists drink on the back porch.

 

We believe life begins at conception,” says the panel’s Catholic priest.

“We believe life begins at birth,” says the liberal Protestant.

“We believe that life begins when the kids are out of the house and the dog dies,” says the rabbi.

 

[red750]

[red750]

[facthunter]

That's pretty if FEE.  Nev

[red750]

When I met an attractive 58 year old woman at a bar last night I thought she was very sexy looking so I also thought to myself if she has a daughter she wouldn't look too bad either. We had a few drinks together.Then she asked me if I'd ever had a thing called a Ploughman's Double? "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she replied. I was really thinking this could be my lucky night so we drank a little more. Then we went back to her place. When we got in the front door I couldn't contain my excitement and then she shouts up stairs, "Mother, are you still awake?"

[Marty_d]

Well, go on Peter, you can't stop the story there!

[red750]

Copy and paste. That's all there was. Expected the daughter, got the mother. Joke Joyce.

[Marty_d]

So was mine 😂