Quickies part 2

[red750]

My friends call me The Computer.

 

Nothing to do with my intelligence. I go to sleep if unattended for 15 minutes.

[red750]

Designed summer footwear for people with one leg. It was a Flop.

[red750]

[red750]

[facthunter]

"Afterbirth" doesn't have eyes.. Nev

[red750]

What's the worst part about being a vegan?

 

Getting up in the morning to milk the almonds.

[red750]

If you do nothing all day, you're a bum.

 

But if you do it in a boat, you're a fisherman.

[red750]

One minute you’re young and fun. And next, you’re turning down the stereo in your car to see better. 

 

Think you’re old and you will be old. Think you are young, and you will be delusional. 

 

There’s nothing scarier than that split second when you lose your balance in the shower and you think, “They are going to find me naked.

[facthunter]

You were BORN NAKED.  When you get old there will be many times you have nothing on. Nev

[pmccarthy]

I am at a reunion this week. Main topic is the number of colleagues from 50 years ago who are no longer with us. It has shocked me.

[facthunter]

Not a FUN topic. Neither is a look through my old Phone list . Nev

[red750]

[red750]

Two cops and a dog were out the front of a pub.

 

One of the patrons comes out, lifts the dog's tail, shakes his head and walks off.

 

Another patron comes out and does the same.

 

A third patron comes out and lifts the dogs tail. The cops are curious, and ask the man "Why is everyone lifting the dogs tail?"

 

The man said "There's a guy in there who said there's a dog with two arseholes out the front."

[red750]

[red750]

Remember when a new hip joint was a place you went on Saturday night for a good time?

[red750]

[red750]

[red750]

[red750]

[onetrack]

What do call you 10 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline.

[onetrack]

A Swede, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were out playing Golf with their wives.

The Swede’s wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up, and revealed a lack of underwear.

“Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?”, Ole demanded.

“Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any,” she replied.

The Swede immediately reached into his pocket and said, “For the sake of decency, here’s $50. Go and buy yourself some knickers.”

Next, the Irishman’s wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blew up to show that she, too, was wearing no undies.

“Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?”

She replied, “I can’t afford any on the little money you give me.”

Patrick reached into his pocket and said, “For the sake of decency, here’s $20. Go out and buy yourself some knickers!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, was bereft of panties.

“Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?”

She too explained, ‘You dinna gi' me enough money to be able ta affarrd any.”

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit”.

[red750]

[red750]

Mike the lawyer died suddenly at the age of 46.

 

The check-in angel said, "Here finally. We've been waiting you for a long time."

 

"What do you mean? I'm only 46."

 

The angel replied, "Our records have you as 82."

 

"You must have the wrong person. I'm only 46. I have a birth certificate to prove it."

 

The angel said, "Let me check the records again."

 

She disappeared for a while, then came back.

 

"No, definitely correct. We totalled up the hours you charged customers for. You must be 82."