planedriver

And your misses wonders why you take so bloody long at the grocery store, Have we got some news for her!

A friend who used to be a pilot on BEA Trident"s, always said "if you have a problem with one of the engines, he considered it to be a pain in the ar*e". Maybe Nev can relate to that?

I've said it before many times and will say it again. Don't care what it is, but "simplicity is the essence of reliability". I too, have had a few problems with a floppy, but no longer have the drives .

Now THAT'S an inconvenience.

How'd you guess that? We all make a few mistakes as we get older.

Don't get fooled by what I call Viagra Mints. They may be blue, but don't seem to work somehow [ATTACH]50345._xfImport[/ATTACH]

Maybe you should try this spacesailer

A priest who owned a racing greyhound told a boy that his success in races was due to him pouring holy water on the dogs nuts before every race. The boy replied "I pour mower fuel on mine, and it can then pass a motorbike"

Job satisfaction with a twist. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted...

Good idea, the longer you're there, the better I sound. Some must like what I do, because I even get a few requests to sing "Over the Hills and Far Away"

Wot complete with all 231 "na's". Trust me there's that many,I sing it at karaoke, It's a bit like a morse key with a case of the shivers.

I recently saw a black Jeep with the registration "Ba Ba" Then the penny dropped. Nothing like a bit of lateral thinking.