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Quickies part 2

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7 hours ago, Marty_d said:

Don't know what country he was in, but pretty sure that the missus having a lover is not illegal!

Still a good joke!

 

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Why are women such good archaeologists?

They are always digging up ancient history.

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A Poem for some old Gits and others:

I remember the blocks of cheese of my childhood
and the bread that we cut with a sharp bread knife.
When all the children helped with the housework,
and the men went to work, not the wife.

The cheese never needed a fridge
and the bread was so crusty and hot.
The children were seldom unhappy
and the wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the bottle,
with the yummy cream on the top.
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
and not from the fridge in the shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,
they didn't need money for kicks.
Just a game with their mates outside on the road
and sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,
where a pen'orth of sweets was sold.
Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it . . . I'm just getting old?

I remember the 'loo' in the back yard was the ‘dunny’
and the dunny man came in the night.
It wasn't the least bit funny
having to go "out the back" with no light.

Hung on a peg in that loo,
were interesting items to view,
from newspapers and the yellow pages cut into squares.
It took little to keep us amused.

Dirty clothes were boiled in the copper,
with plenty of rich foamy suds.
But the ironing seemed never ending
as Mum pressed everyone's 'duds'.

I remember the slap on my backside
and the taste of soap if I swore.
Anorexia and diets weren't heard of
and we hadn't much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?
or our initiative was destroyed?
We ate all that was put on the table
and I think our life was better enjoyed.

But a huge fact not hereto mentioned
in this mushy tale of nostalgic rejoice,
is the reason we all "enjoyed" our lot
Was that we had NO BLOODY CHOICE!!

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I remember our first fridge, second wedding pressie,  wifey had niebours around to check it out, more open door than closed for well over a week,

spacesailor

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5 hours ago, spacesailor said:

I remember our first fridge, second wedding pressie, 

Second present or second wedding??

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Up until the age of 12, I lived with no electricity (Aladdin kerosene lamps for lighting), was fed from a Metters No 2 wood stove, had an outdoor "long drop" toilet - and we were that short of money at various times, we used hessian bags as additional blankets in Winter!

 

I don't think any of that impacted greatly on my upbringing, or overall general health. I did have asthma frequently as a child, but it cleared up at around age 19, and I have enjoyed pretty robust health, ever since.

 

I never picked up any of the "childhood diseases", such as measles, mumps, chicken pox, etc - even though I've been surrounded by kids with those diseases.

 

I've been in hospital just twice in my life, once in Vietnam when I picked up Gastro-enteritus from black rats in our field kitchen. The cook got reamed out big-time, over that exercise. I spent 4 days in hospital, and I can assure you, I was bloody crook.

 

The second time I got a hospital visit was purely accident-related. I was hitting one hammer with another, to drive out a pin, and one hammer chipped, and the piece of flying steel went into my chest, bounced off a rib and stopped against the wall of my lung.

 

The piece of steel severed an artery on the way in, but fortunately, it sealed up rapidly. The swelling was pretty painful for a while, and after the doc did the X-rays, he said it was the equivalent of major open-heart surgery to get it out, so he decided to leave it there.

 

He reckoned the body copes O.K. with foreign bodies, it just builds up something like scar tissue around it, and it rarely moves. It look like he was right, it's been there 47 yrs, and it's never bothered me.

 

I guess when I get my quadruple-bypass done at 98, they can take it out, then!  :cheezy grin:

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I'm really impressed! I hope you don't get too close to welders or other transformers where the magnetic field will get your metal implant buzzing!

 

I just wish I was fit enough to hit anything as hard as you did!

 

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One of the safety mantras at work 50 years ago was "steel against steel", which meant don't do it!

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YOU HAD Hessian bags,

Lucky you, most poms made do with news paper, grabbed from anywere. Then it went into the dunny.

AND

I got everything, Excluding German measles. Starting with Osteomyelitis.

That was the killer !.

spacesailor

 

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Newspaper is getting hard to find these days. The Mordock empire doesn't do as much for the homeless than they used to.

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Newspaper was the Pommies insulator of choice. many is the time I travelled in the luggage rack with a load of papers. Last time was Parkes to Sydney

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But they don't make luggage racks like they used to.

I recall when rather young, I took the Brisbane Limited Express (now there's an oxymoron) from Sydney. The train was crowded with army. I guess they were migrating north for winter. Every square inch of floor was fully utilised by snoring blokes and every luggage rack was fully occupied.

 

I seem to recall the express was 'limited' to about 20 hours for the journey. On second thoughts, it didn't do all that badly. I figure it averaged 50 Kilometers per hour. That was as close as we got to having high speed rail back in the sixties.

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A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!

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Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

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Not sure if I have already posted this...

 

An Aussie is travelling through a rural area of NZ and sees a farmer doing something that looks unusual. He stops his car and walks towards the farmer, when he notices amongst the long grass, the farmer having sex with a sheep. "Oi! Mate!" The Aussie yells.. "What are you doing?? Back in Oz, we don't do that, we shear our sheep!".. The NZ farmer gave the Aussie a suspicous look and replied, "Ey, fella - I aint shearing my sheep with anyone!!"

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Reminds me of the Aussie ventriloquist who was holidaying in NZ.

 

One day he's walking down a country lane and sees a farmer, his dog and his flock approaching.


Deciding to have a little fun, he stops and asks the farmer if he can talk to his animals.

 

"What do you mean, 'talk to the animals'"? says the farmer.


"Mate," says the Aussie, "I have a gift.  I can talk to animals, they understand me, and they talk back!"

 

"Bullshut" says the Kiwi, but lets the guy go ahead.

 

The Aussie starts with the farmer's horse.

 

"G'day mate", he says.  "How's it going?"

 

Throwing his voice, he makes it appear that the horse is answering. "Yeah, not too bad thanks!"  says the horse in a Kiwi accent.

 

The old farmer looks like he's seen a ghost.  "That's amazing!" he said.  "That horse has never talked to me before!"

 

The Aussie turns to the dog.

 

"G'day!" he says.  "How's the farmer treating you?"

 

"Pretty good," says the dog.  "Nice kennel, good food, can't complain really!"

 

The farmer looks stunned.

 

The Aussie turns to a sheep.

 

"G'da..." he starts, before the farmer interrupts.

 

"Don't talk to her!!" he yells.  "She tells bloody lies!!"

 

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(Maybe not so quick)

 

Life in  the  Australian Army.. 

Text of a  letter from  a kid from Eromanga to Mum and  Dad. (For Those  of you not in the know,  Eromanga  is a  small  town, west  of Quilpie in the far south  west of Queensland)   

 

Dear Mum  & Dad,


I am well. Hope youse are too. 

Tell me big  brothers Doug and  Phil that the Army is better  than workin'  on the station - tell them to get  in  bloody quick smart before the jobs are all   gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta  bed  until 6am. But I like sleeping in now,  cuz all  ya gotta do before brekky is make  ya bed and  shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs  to clean-   nothin'!! 

 

Ya haz gotta shower though,  but  its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot  water  and even a light to see what ya doing! 

 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit  and eggs  but there's no kangaroo steaks or  goanna stew  like wot Mum makes.  You don't  get fed again  until noon and by that time  all the city boys  are buggered because  we've been on a 'route  march' - geez its  only just like walking to the  windmill in  the bullock paddock!!

 

This  one will  kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin'  -  dunno  why. 

The bullseye is as big as a  bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and  it's not  firing back at ya like the  Johnsons did when our  big scrubber bull  got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! 

 

All ya gotta do is  make  yourself comfortable  and hit the target - it's a piece of p...!! 

You don't even load  your  own cartridges, they comes in little  boxes, and  ya don't have to steady  yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya  gotta   wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be  real  careful coz they break easy - it's  not like  fighting with Doug and Phil and  Jack and Boori  and Steve and Muzza all at  once like we do at  home after the  muster.


Turns out I'm not a  bad boxer  either and it looks like I'm the best  the  platoon's got, and I've only been beaten  by  this one bloke from the Engineers -  he's 6 foot  5 and 15 stone and three pick  handles across the  shoulders and as ya  know I'm only 5 foot 7 and  eight stone  wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.  

 

I can't complain about the Army -  tell  the boys to get in quick before word  gets around  how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

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On 16/10/2020 at 2:23 PM, Yenn said:

Newspaper was the Pommies insulator of choice.

I did one very long, cold bike trip with rolled-up broadsheets stuffed inside my jumper. 

Luxury!

 

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. 
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again?  Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.“
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again.  "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
“Okay, let’s give it a try.

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LIFE IS SHORT, SO DRINK THE GOOD WINE FIRST!

 

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

 

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.”

 

“I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical  benefits coverage.”

 

I felt sorry for him, so I asked “What happened?

Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

 

“Oh no, nothing like that” he said.

“I was unexpectedly paroled.”

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